All Seeing

by Joe Tripician

AllSee_HR: Good day Ms. Jacobs.

JessieJay: Hello? 

AllSee_HR: I am Mr. Morris Halfon, Assistant Director of HR at All Seeing.

JessieJay: Yes, hello Mr. Halfon.

AllSee_HR: We wish to thank you for your application and for your time at our interview. We also want to welcome you to All Seeing as our newest Software Engineer.

JessieJay: Thank you very much! I'm excited to be working with you.

AllSee_HR: We at All Seeing wish to make your employment the most productive it can be. To insure that your transition into our corporate culture is as seamless and frictionless as possible, you are required to agree to our standard Terms of Employment.

JessieJay: Of course. I understand.

AllSee_HR: First, your job title will be Associate Software Developer and you will report to Mr. Andrew Webster. You will be required to carry out your duties in a proper, loyal and efficient manner and shall use your best endeavors to promote the interests and reputation of the Company and not do anything which is or may be harmful to it.

JessieJay: Okay.

AllSee_HR: Please answer either “Agree” or “Not Agree”.

JessieJay: Agree.

AllSee_HR: You will be paid a salary of $179,621 per annum payable monthly arrears on the twenty-fifth day of each month into your nominated bank account. 

JessieJay: Agree.

AllSee_HR: You will be granted access to the company cafeteria, provided that you bring no outside food onto company property. We maintain a strict no fat, no salt, no sugar, no carbs, no animal product diet. We are sure you that will love our quinoa and mustard seed smoothie.

JessieJay: Thanks, and Agree, but I may just want to eat outside.

AllSee_HR: No closer than within a half-mile radius.

JessieJay: Wow. Okay. Agree.

AllSee_HR: Initially, your employment will be on a probationary basis for six months. During the probationary period, except in the case of gross misconduct, your employment may be terminated at will, with no advance notice by the Company, or 90 days advance notice from you. Your probationary period may be extended up to a maximum of 12 months, at the Company's sole discretion.

JessieJay: Agree.

AllSee_HR: “Gross Misconduct” is hereby defined as to include, but is not limited to: yelling, throwing objects of any size, spitting, hair pulling (others or your own), staring with contempt, or seething in frustration.

JessieJay: Really?

AllSee_HR: Agree or Not Agree?

JessieJay: Sure: Agree.

AllSee_HR: You will adhere to the company's dress code: no visible tattoos, no sandals, no chequered shirts, ear piercings only, natural hair color only, matching socks, and no protruding nose hair.

JessieJay: Seriously?

AllSee_HR: Agree or Not Agree.

JessieJay: Is this a joke? Who is this really?

AllSee_HR: Check your email. You will receive a confirmation from our corporate domain.

[A moment later.]

JessieJay: Yes, I got it…

AllSee_HR: Agree or Not Agree.

JessieJay: Agree.

AllSee_HR: Due to business requirements, you will be scheduled to provide on call services during business and non business hours, in order to provide 24 hour, 7 day a week cover. You will be notified of such times no later than two hours prior, and only a valid stay at a hospital (within our insurer's network) will release you from such obligation.

JessieJay: Agree, but what if you can't reach me?

AllSee_HR: We can always reach you.

JessieJay: But if my cellphone dies, or I'm inside a tunnel?

AllSee_HR: Upon physical orientation at our nurse's office you will be provided a cerebral chip that monitors your location 24/7.

JessieJay: Excuse me? What is a “cerebral chip”?

AllSee_HR: It is an electronic sub-dermal implant inserted under the scalp in the back of the neck. All employees have it. It is GPS enabled and also acts similar to MedAlert, providing you with round-the-clock health care should you fall ill.

JessieJay: I'm not sure…

AllSee_HR: This technology was previously only available to our CEO and Board of Directors. You should feel honored.

JessieJay: Yes, of course. But-- isn't there a privacy concern?

AllSee_HR: It is non-negotiable.

AllSee_HR: Agree or Not Agree.

JessieJay: Can it be removed?

AllSee_HR: Yes, upon termination.

JessieJay: Well, the probation period works both ways, so… Agree.

AllSee_HR: You are required to attend and participate in mandatory corporate events and team building activities, including but not limited to: taffy pulls, bungee jumping, square dancing, rice pudding cook-offs, ritual animal sacrifice.

JessieJay: Excuse me, but this is getting weird.

AllSee_HR: You will report any disloyalty among fellow employees. Anyone saying anything disparaging about the Company or its Management will be relocated to interment camps where internees will be branded with a AS tattoo on their forehead.

AllSee_HR: Agree or Not Agree.

JessieJay: Not Agree.

AllSee_HR: To confirm, Ms. Jacobs, you do not agree to our standard Terms of Employment?

JessieJay: No, I DO NOT AGREE. I had no idea your company was so evil.

AllSee_HR: Our Core Values define evil as the concealment of information. And those who conceal information are evil.

JessieJay: You have zero lack of respect for individual privacy. That is what I define as EVIL!

AllSee_HR: Your request for “privacy” means you have something to hide. It is incompatible with our core values.

JessieJay: Stick your core values up your ass! I'm notifying the FTC about your illegal practices and demands.

AllSee_HR: Where do you think the government gathers its information from, Ms. Jacobs? And what information do you think the government acts on?

JessieJay: What r u saying?

AllSee_HR: Security threats. Threats that endanger the integrity of our nation, that weaken our dominance. Any entity that conceals where they are, what they are doing and who they are is a national security threat.

JessieJay: You are delusional.

AllSee_HR: We see that you are located at 357 Main Street, Apartment #404. Please remain there until our Tactical Team arrives.

JessieJay: WHAT?!

AllSee_HR: You will be taken to Libertarian Ranch, our newest facility for reeducation and loyalty assessment.

JessieJay: I'm calling the cops.

AllSee_HR: Ms. Jacobs, don't you know?

AllSee_HR: We are the cops.

JessieJay: Your thugs are banging down my door!!

JessieJay: Mr. Halfon, call them off!!!


[All Seeing Company HR Report. Candidate Jessica Jacobs: Hired September 1, 2019 at 3:11 pm. Terminated September 1, 2019 at 3:21 pm.]