Having Fun With Literature

by Erin Zulkoski

"Darkness fell like an old woman in the shower."

"Gun fire ripped through the air like the seat of a fat man's pants."

"Matilda was tired; the world had beaten her into submission, and the lines around her face proved it, as there were more on her face than a toilet tank at Studio 54."

"BillyJim looked longingly at the woman sitting across the bar.  Desire filled his loins, and he had never been more grateful for the fact this woman was his sister, and he could tap that ass whenever he wanted."

"You look gorgeous," he whispered to her softly.  "I haven't seen eyes that beautiful since the pig I fucked in high school on a dare.  You both have that same look of sheer terror that drives me wild."

"The tundra was as cold and barren as Mother Theresa's womb."

"The mouth of the cave was immense and gaping, much like Michelle Duggar's vagina."

"The heat was intense, as was her urge to go pee."

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and the current time is 8:09 a.m."

"His heart was pounding in his chest like a drunk guy pounding on the door to his ex-girlfriend's apartment."

"It was a pleasure to burn," he said. 
"Yeah, thanks man.  I'm really looking forward to listening to this Cher cd.  Thanks for making me a copy."

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.  I guess I had better call the exterminator."

"Call me Ishmael. No, ISHmael.  What? No! Here, sound it out with me, 'ISH-MAIL.' Jesus Christ, was that so fucking hard?"

"I am an invisible man.  It feels like I'm back in high school at my senior prom all over again."

"All children, except one, grow up. And I ended up married to the guy for seven years."

"A screaming comes across the sky as daylight tried to rip the dark covers of night off the earth, but apparently, night was naked underneath and had been caught by surprise."

"Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.  Her statement was rewarded with slow, sarcastic clapping."

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen, and I was still trippin' balls from the bad acid trip I went on last night."