Fragment

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Neat. Made me smile in a wry kind of way. A piece of something good I'd say.

Successful and terse.
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Oh my, David. That ending - Strong piece.

Great play on paper *

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I'm fond of fragments. This is good.

Have a think about this:

"a bridge
to paper over
old mistakes."

I like the rhythm of that.

Thanks one and all for your comments, and Sally for your rethinking. My idea was to take the thought of papered-over mistakes and rework it into something a bit different, a shaky bridge,that.

I like the spirit of what you're saying here and how you are saying it, but I must agree with Sally's suggested edit.

I like this too. I originally read it as Houtman's suggestion and then was confused when I read it again.

Maybe this stays truer to your intent:

"trying to make
a paper bridge
out old mistakes."

There's just something clunky and confusing about the way it reads at present. Just trying to make your intent sharper.

I'd go with the first suggestion.

Oops. JUst realized I left a word out of last line above:

"out *of* old mistakes"

I prefer first suggestion as well, just trying to adhere to David's intended concept.

This is why I love fragments. Every word has to be carefully chosen and placed as there is simply nowhere to hide.

And I have been known to obsess over a single word or phrase for days.......

"And I have been known to obsess over a single word or phrase for days......."

Me too. Sometimes a poem can be saved by the inclusion/exclusion of a single word, other times it can be ruined.

Thanks for your input and the back and forth, quite interesting to consider. I can only say that ending with some version of "paper over mistakes," would be to succumb to the cliche. For this poem, the paper is already there, a given, of the past. What to do with it is the question.

When I read it first time I thought why not "a bridge to paper over old mistakes" and then guessed that you were attempting to invert and come up with something a little less expected, I'm just not sure if it works.

Maybe this?

See the man

with scissors and paste

trying to make

a bridge

from the papering

over old mistakes.

Sam, I think this last version is the best yet( better than my original.) For some reason "papering," cures the clunkiness that I think was Sally's original ( and quite fair) objection. It will be changed, with all credit to you for the suggestion.

thanks

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David, you're welcome.

I like this. I kept visualizing a collage as I read it. Funny how it created a pretty specific image (form, color) in my mind's eye.

Thanks, Dianne, the detailed response was very pleasant to read; it's nice to know how you engaged with this piece, and what it evoked for you.

*, David. Smart work. I like it.

I didn't see the original version you've all discussed but I like this very much. I totally understand wanting to avoid cliche and you've done that in this. I got your intent that "the paper is already there", etc.
I love minimalism in poetry. ***

Thanks, David and Charlotte. Yes, I think you're right, Charlotte, it starts with a history of "papering over mistakes."