Tick
Palms planted firmly against his temples, Travis paced the room like a caged animal. Enormous black bats screeched in his brain, their pointy wings scraping at the edges of his cranium. His sense of isolation and hopelessness had been building for months and was paralyzing. He'd stopped doing his math homework, English essays, history tests, everything. He'd talked to his counselor, but what did that old guy know? His best friend Dylan was useless. And if his dad found out about his GPA, his depression, or that thing that happened with Janie, there would just be more yelling, more hitting.
Travis needed a professional—a psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever. Maybe his grandmother could make a call. She'd been always been kind to him, especially since his mother ran off. If only he could think, he might be able to crawl out of the blackness. He could beat this thing if he tried. Maybe talking about it would help. And if that didn't work--a single thought crept through the shriek of bats--there were always the gun.
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Author's Note
Just a piece of micro-fiction that I was hoping to get some feedback on. Thanks in advance for your input.
We're supposed to put our characters through some hell and they are most interesting when they're at the end of their rope...so, you've definitely got that here. I guess my feedback would be to try and buck every cliche possible here. Don't have him pace "like a caged animal" and maybe don't even end on a gun, but something stranger, even more menacing if that's possible.
For me, the most compelling part of this is "that thing that happened with Janie"...I think you could return to that somehow. I think to set up this kid as troubled and depressed and then to end on him contemplating a gun is a little too easy and sadly, expected, so I'd dig harder there.
Hope this is of some help. Tick is a great title, by the way.
Like this all until the end--a letdown for me because too predictable.
Agree with Kathy about bucking every cliche possible.
Here's a different kind of ending to consider:
He could beat this thing if he tried. Maybe talking about it would help. Maybe not.
Thank you, Kathy and Bill, for your time and input. I appreciate it. I knew that this piece was, I'll say euphemistically, "embryonic," but your suggestions have helped greatly. That you both envisioned the ending being more subtle and, to quote Kathy, more "menacing," is where I'll start revising because you're absolutely right. Thanks again.
I also want to say how much it means to me to hear from Bill Yarrow, whose powerful and tightly crafted poem "The Proud Accounting" recently appeared in LITSNACK, the journal I edit, and Kathy Fish, whose writing not only floors me every time, but who was one of the first "new" writers I mentioned in the "who are your favorite writers" question in my editor interview in Duotrope Digest. Forgive me for gushing, but even though I'm a little out of practice in the genre, the truth is, I always approach a new flash/micro piece thinking WWKD?
like it and i am intrigued. i felt that this was felt rather than built, which is so good. the line "needed a...whatever" made me want to see an absurd entry in that list, like "pedicurist". oh, such a great stage for a piece of writing: you're going to have fun with this despite the gloomy subject.
As Kathy mentioned, "That thing that happened with Janie" really stands out. It's a hook. Why now? Why this moment? I'm not at all suggesting filling in back story but I do think you could build around that urgency, and make it strange. I look forward to seeing how you revise this. Great title.
I didn't know that, Dan! Wow, thanks. "WWKD"...ha. Thanks so much.
Like the idea of those bats bounding around in his head...poor guy. Yes and what did happen with Janie...his mom, all these little hints at odd relationships...very nice.
The reason I like the ending is because you don't say what he would do with the gun - would he use it on himself or others? Or both? If you had clearly defined this, I wouldn't care for it, but the way you left it open, it works for me.
Good story going on here, Dan. I agree that if you change the similes to less cliche, you've got half any problems licked. I love the way "that thing that happened with Jane" hangs heavy in the air and agree it doesn't need to be explained. I'm not as cool with the ending, it's almost as if any ending with a gun mentioned is becoming a cliche for me. Great character, great buildup.