The Miracle
On the way to the drinking fountain, Elysia Martin, a third grader at St. Michael's Parochial School, heard a voice calling her name. When she turned toward the white plaster statue of the Virgin Mary that sat between twin hedges in the rose garden, she saw Mary's hand shift slightly, gesturing her over. Elysia was small and timid with pigtails and glasses. No one usually spoke to her, especially saints or the mothers of Saviors.
When Elysia reached the hedges, the virgin mother smiled and said, “don't be afraid (or perhaps it was “fear not,” as it was in the scriptures) and told her that God had great plans for Elysia's life. Mary said, “go to Mass as often as you can, educate yourself, be kind to small animals and the elderly and—whatever else—avoid a boy named Beau that you'll meet in France when you're twenty.” Elysia thanked the Virgin Mother, and after nervously genuflecting, returned to her classroom where a geography lesson was in progress.
Elysia calmly related to her classmates the story of the talking statue and what it said about her life. Sister Albertine and each of her third grade students lined up and, in less than five minutes, they congregated around Mary, surrounding her as if awaiting an audience with the Pope, attending the concert of a rock star, or maybe just watching a plasma-screen television.
But each of those assembled believed in what Elysia had told them--for they knew Elysia never lied--so patiently and politely they studied the statue's countenance; and in their own way, each boy and girl--and even Sister Albertine herself--waited for guidance, longed for knowledge, and prayed for compassion, yet every single person ultimately reeled away, bitterly frustrated by the Virgin's stony and stubborn silence.
When Elysia reached the hedges, the virgin mother smiled and said, “don't be afraid (or perhaps it was “fear not,” as it was in the scriptures) and told her that God had great plans for Elysia's life. Mary said, “go to Mass as often as you can, educate yourself, be kind to small animals and the elderly and—whatever else—avoid a boy named Beau that you'll meet in France when you're twenty.” Elysia thanked the Virgin Mother, and after nervously genuflecting, returned to her classroom where a geography lesson was in progress.
Elysia calmly related to her classmates the story of the talking statue and what it said about her life. Sister Albertine and each of her third grade students lined up and, in less than five minutes, they congregated around Mary, surrounding her as if awaiting an audience with the Pope, attending the concert of a rock star, or maybe just watching a plasma-screen television.
But each of those assembled believed in what Elysia had told them--for they knew Elysia never lied--so patiently and politely they studied the statue's countenance; and in their own way, each boy and girl--and even Sister Albertine herself--waited for guidance, longed for knowledge, and prayed for compassion, yet every single person ultimately reeled away, bitterly frustrated by the Virgin's stony and stubborn silence.
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Author's Note
I got the prompt from a prompt book. It said something like "she witnesses a miracle." I would love some feedback on this because I was proud of it, but no one seems to want it.
Other stories by Dan Tricarico
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Is anything unclear? Where does it drag? Do the details or characters need more development? All suggestions/comments are greatly appreciated.
I like this, I love the bringing in of the warning about Beau in particular.
The only thing I question is the last line "yet every single person ultimately reeled away" because these are third-graders. You might want to flesh out what kids this age would do--getting antsy, their devotion slowly turning to boredom, more than the more adult reaction of being "bitterly frustrated."
And yes, I might make a bigger deal of Sister Albertine's response--she'd likely tell the Mother Superior (my Catholic is showing here!) and you could have a crowd around the statue, bring in lights and cameras as they do when a holy "image" is found on a wall or a cheese sandwich.
And, I am left wondering what Elysia is thinking...
I'm drawn to the timid, pig-tailed Elysia and I like the sense of mystery in this piece.
I think I'd like to have more details about the manner in which ,
"Elysia calmly related to her classmates the story of the talking statue and what it said about her life."
Does she include the information that the statue said that God had great plans for her life? I wonder how Sister Albertine would react to that?
Thank you Carol and Susan for your insightful comments. Susan, of course you're right. I was so proud of coming up with the word "reeled," I didn't stop to think that a third grader probably wouldn't "reel." And Carol, you're right that going into more detail about Elysia relating the story to her classmates is a good idea. Thanks again.
I enjoy the subject of divine revelation -- especially credible given the young heroine.
maybe a touch less 'overly descriptive' in terms of adjectives / modifiers in opening para.
try to 'elevate' the advice of the virgin mary -- either more vernacular or less; avoid the parenthetical after her opening line, disrupts flow for me.
no advice on then ending. it right in terms of the outcome, try to reformulate the action of their not rejection but absence of certainty. dunno - this is tough to get just right; c.f. what Susan was alluding to. Thanks for sharing.
Everyone's given you some advice, so I won't do that. I found great humor in this brief tale. The Virgin's very specific warning was too funny. After reading three different types of stories from you, I am a fan.
Everyone's time, effort, and thoughtful comments are greatly appreciated. There are plenty of great suggestions to use in revising this piece. Thanks again.