Dental Group Moves to Ban D-Cup Hygienists

by Con Chapman

CHICAGO. The American Dental Association yesterday issued the results of a ten-year study indicating that patients whose teeth are cleaned by women with large breasts receive less information about proper dental care than those who are treated by small-breasted women. The professional organization voted to bar women who wear size D-cup bras or larger from employment as hygienists out of concern for the nation's dental health.

“Ah cant unnerstan wut your sayin.”

“Because hygienists typically press their mammary glands into patients' ears while cleaning teeth, hooter size is a critical factor in the quantity and quality of information that Americans receive about proper dental care,” said Harris Grover, D.M.D., a dentist with a practice in Winnetka, Illinois and the ADA's president-elect.

Grover:  “I used to play ‘dental hygiene' when I was a kid.”

Grover cited the results of the study which indicate a wide variation in information received by patients depending upon the size of the hygienist's breast pressed up against their ears. “When a hygienist says ‘The tissue is a little red around this back molar', patients' ability to understand the statement was greatly impaired at higher breast circumferences,” he noted. “A patient with an A-cup hygienist hears clearly 100% of the time. A patient with a B-cup hygienist hears ‘I missed you in my little bed this morning.' A C-cup produces the garbled phrase ‘At issue is a skittle's head with black polar.'”

The flatter the better, says the ADA.

At D-cup level, the hygienist's words are completely unintelligible, with one patient repeating them as “But soft—what light through yonder window breaks?”

“She's got a balcony you could do Shakespeare from.”

The ban will not preclude “full-figured” women from working as receptionists or file clerks in dentists' offices, and the ADA said they would do everything possible to ensure that no displaced hygienist lost her job. “These women are not just good for your teeth, they're easy on the eyes,” Grover indicated. “I make enough money so that I don't have to be surrounded by flat-chested broads all day.”