Virgo
by Ann Bogle
She upbraided me for not counting on him more. I told her that my favorite in the Birthday Book was August 26th, Day of the Supportive Partner. I told her I had promised him I wouldn't go mushy in emails. I said he was cold. I said I like cold. She said, "You're cold."
|
6
favs |
967 views
13 comments |
56 words
All rights reserved. |
Author's Note
Camroc Press Review, Barry Basden, Ed., 2012.
Other stories by Ann Bogle
Tags
This story has no tags.
Groups
-
Country Without A Name
Private group1 member
Comments
You must
log in
to post comments.
The hard punch of the syntax - "I said you were cold. I said I like cold. She said, "You are cold." - is effective here, Ann. Good piece. Enjoyed.
Nice work, Ann. I agree with Sam - great syntax.
I agree with Marcelle and Sam, sharply rendered.
Liked this lots, Ann - just kept reading it over and over.
Ooooh, great 55 worder, Ann. I told ya you'd like it--
*
The last 3 lines boom, boom, boom. Cold.
I like the triangulation: narrator, "you" and "her". Yes, the 55 word limit is interesting, though Sammy Hagar can't do it.
Wow, Ann! What a tight little piece. I very much enjoyed this. :)
I appreciate all your comments. I feel that creating a very short story does not equal in effort creating longer stories, yet may achieve by luck. It's like putting a fork in a swimming fish.
I think what involves the reader with VIRGO (rereads) is the air of mystery. For me, it's like reading a dropped postcard in the post office. Readers are fascinated with the message as they pretend to look for the name and address.
Ramon, your comment is insightful and fascinating. I love the idea that this could be a postcard. Thanks.
The "you" could refer to a woman reader, but that's not as I intended it. I wrote, "It's written to a man. I tried changing the pronoun 'you' to 'him,' and it weakens it. As it is, it is sort of sapphic. I think Sappho herself wrote to and of men more than is supposed. The very short stories are very short!"
Revised Sept. 27, 2010, 1 p.m.
Shifted pronouns.