by AMTL
We're checkout girls.
She's 26, a decade older than me, a single mom with four kids. She pulls a picture from her bubblegum-pink leather purse. The edges of the paper are frayed and cottony-soft. They're boys, wearing red sweaters and flanked by poinsettias on either side -- a Christmas portrait.
“Cute,” I say.
The break room is cold like a walk-in fridge. I slide the picture back across the table, and one of the edges sucks up a bead of moisture from my Diet Coke.
“So did you do it?” she asks.
Last night in the shower, I felt only vaguely aware that something in me had changed. I rinsed the soap out of my hair, and the bubbles gathered in a ring around my feet before disappearing down the drain. It had been that simple: I was, and then I wasn't.
I nod, tugging at my shoelaces and grinning wildly. My armpits bead with moisture like the wax-paper soda cup on the table.
She shoves a chip in her mouth and slams her jaw closed, the crunch more like a pop, impossibly loud, her chipped front tooth rubbing against her lower lip. Her large, pale eyes are dark-ringed, and the delicate structure of her bones is visible beneath her thin skin. She was beautiful once.
“If I give you a five,” I say, “will you buy me some cigarettes?”
5
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This story found a home in the April 2011 Negative Suck (www.negativesuck.com), and I'm pretty damn happy about that.
This may be perfect. It is certainly stunning to read. I'm just staring at it as if I can see a door.
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Left me wondering, but I like that. Really good.
yes: scene-sets and picks up nuances perfectly. strangely like the detail of her sweat beading like moisture on the paper-cup.
Really good! In fact quite wonderful
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Yes, quite wondrous indeed. Definite fave.
Very good writing: voice, characters, details. I enjoyed reading.
"She was beautiful once."
Great moment in a very good piece.
Talk about isolating the "telling moment." Some kind of terrific writing! Lots & lots of stars ***********************
Thanks so much to everyone for your comments! It's greatly appreciated.