Benjamin Chadwick


Location North America
Occupation Jack-of-all-trades
Website http://www.benjaminchadwick.com

About Me

I am the by-product of the conversion of anthracite into bulk graphite.

I have an MFA from Mason. I have published over fifteen thousand novels in over twelve million languages.

Why do you write?

What fuels my creativity? Well, in the morning I mix about two cups of flour with twelve raw eggs and a cup of turkey pan drippings (warmed, of course). I fry that up with some canned tuna (I do not use dolphin-safe tuna, since it is unfair discrimination against tunas). I put this mix in a blender, puree it and then freeze it. A couple hours later I mix in some salt, Ambien, caraway seeds, progesterone, Oxycontin (to taste), and a one pound brick of hashish, then blend it again. It should form a viscous, well-tempered colloid. At this point I coat it with melted butter, and then I smear spackling compound over that and put it back in the freezer. It should resemble a white, unfinished vase, and often while cooking, I hum that Righteous Brothers song from that one scene in 'Ghost'. Once the "dough" is hard, I roast it with a blowtorch until all of the whiteness of the hard shell has turned black, then I hurl it about 100 feet down into a granite quarry, vacuum up the shattered fragments, and crumble them over some cat food (Friskies' "Savory Lamb Smorgasbord" is best). That's when I finally chow down. Oh, also during the freezing process, I snort six kilos of cocaine and eat a Snickers bar and then I smash my foot with a sledgehammer. Usually the spackling compound freezes right around the time I can no longer feel my foot. It's usually about 8pm when the meal is ready, and then I write for four straight days without interruptions. I also like pizza, but I think it's bad for your health.

If I am an author, why do I write? Who said I was an author? I write because it entertains me and many of my friends.

Any favorite authors? Books?

Kurt Vonnegut, Dr. Seuss, Thomas Pynchon, George Orwell, Julio Cortazar, L. Frank Baum, Raymond Chandler.

Benjamin Chadwick's Wall

Matt Dennison – Dec 15, 2009

Butter?

Bitter?

Bit him, too.

Tara Laskowski – Dec 15, 2009

Ah, I see you did make it on here! Sweet! Welcome.

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