Benjamin Chadwick

About Me

I am the by-product of the conversion of anthracite into bulk graphite.

I have an MFA from Mason. I have published over fifteen thousand novels in over twelve million languages.

Why do you write?

What fuels my creativity? Well, in the morning I mix about two cups of flour with twelve raw eggs and a cup of turkey pan drippings (warmed, of course). I fry that up with some canned tuna (I do not use dolphin-safe tuna, since it is unfair discrimination against tunas). I put this mix in a blender, puree it and then freeze it. A couple hours later I mix in some salt, Ambien, caraway seeds, progesterone, Oxycontin (to taste), and a one pound brick of hashish, then blend it again. It should form a viscous, well-tempered colloid. At this point I coat it with melted butter, and then I smear spackling compound over that and put it back in the freezer. It should resemble a white, unfinished vase, and often while cooking, I hum that Righteous Brothers song from that one scene in 'Ghost'. Once the "dough" is hard, I roast it with a blowtorch until all of the whiteness of the hard shell has turned black, then I hurl it about 100 feet down into a granite quarry, vacuum up the shattered fragments, and crumble them over some cat food (Friskies' "Savory Lamb Smorgasbord" is best). That's when I finally chow down. Oh, also during the freezing process, I snort six kilos of cocaine and eat a Snickers bar and then I smash my foot with a sledgehammer. Usually the spackling compound freezes right around the time I can no longer feel my foot. It's usually about 8pm when the meal is ready, and then I write for four straight days without interruptions. I also like pizza, but I think it's bad for your health.

If I am an author, why do I write? Who said I was an author? I write because it entertains me and many of my friends.

Any favorite authors? Books?

Kurt Vonnegut, Dr. Seuss, Thomas Pynchon, George Orwell, Julio Cortazar, L. Frank Baum, Raymond Chandler.