I and a Friend Eat Burritos

My friend and I were talking while having burritos (some days, it is as if all we ever eat are burritos, existentially speaking) and I was looking at the way he inserted that shaft of meat in his mouth and thought him prodigious for his technique—mine was sadly outdated, caused my occasionally to choke, to misplace my breaths such that I pull away and heave—and he said: “This girl and I met in a bar recently and she blew me in the car.”

I said: “Oh my god. Not the car we rode going here.”

"That's my only car," he said.

I groaned.

He made a face. “I cleaned it. It's not like we left our fluids on the roof or anything.”

"It's not the thing," I said. "It's the idea." I tapped the side of my skull with my index finger. "It's the idea. Don't you know what ideas are."

"I have an idea that you're a jackass," he said. "Look, if you like we can get someone to blow you in the car. Then we're even."

"You can blow me like you did with that burrito."

"You want me to bite it off?" he said. "I'll have to smother it in sour cream."

"No biting," I said.

"And the sour cream?"

"I prefer not to judge the perversions of other people," I said.

When we got back, I opened the door to his car and just stood there. From inside, he leaned in my direction and said: “Please don't tell me you were serious.”

"You weren't serious about blowing me?" I said.

"Get in this car," he said. "Or else I will leave you here."

"It smells of semen," I said.

"Oh my god," he said. "It does not. See?" He rubbed his had on the leather seat and placed it on his nose. "See?" He rubbed the roof and placed his hand on his nose and reached out to put it on mine.

Eventually, I did get in the car. On the way back to my house, I saw that he took a little container of sour cream with him, wrapped in tissue paper. It was lopsided in the cup holder. I coughed and pointed at it.

"It's delicious and want some for my bread at home," he said.

"Well, I'll just recline my seat thus," I said.

We didn't do anything but I did fall asleep because of that reclined seat.