Condensation on the Glass
Condensation on the Glass
Riding down 22, I'm looking out
the window. Time is a whirlwind.
Your memory relinquishes itself, yellowed
and fraying at the edges.
It's raining and cold.
I make a smiley face in the condensation
on the window on the passenger's side.
The smile is soothing and I become a waif,
I am the white poofs of a dandelion
sprinkling your lawn with love,
I am the woman you dare not touch
for fear of falling.
I am everything I had never hoped to be,
I am everything I could want,
the paradox quickly resolving itself
in your voice.
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Author's Note
What inspired this was pure lovesick-ness.
Other stories by Tiffany R. White
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Love the line, "I am the white poofs of a dandelion" as it evokes lightness and transience and beauty.
Sometimes lovesickness produces some great imagery!
Thank you, Susan!
I like the scene, the sense of motion and emotion. The speaker begins in motion, in a car -- maybe try bringing back the car or that sense of motion in the end - some connecting image from riding in the car near or around when the voice of the other comes in? Like Susan said, that dandelion image is quite powerful, but the repetition of "I" in the subsequent lines draws away from the imagery . . .from the reader feeling it (for me at least). These two things might give the emotional content a bit more structure.
First,this is a beautiful poem, Tiffany. You're a good writer. The last two lines are powerful. Interestingly, though, my computer screen scrolled to a place where only the second verse was visible and it seemed to be complete all by itself. Do you need the first verse at all? I like the line "Your memory reliquishes itself, yellow and fraying at the edges," though. Could that go just before the first "I am everything" line in the second verse? Just a thought.
@Dan I could do that. I have much more time now to edit the things I've written and work on other pieces. Thanks for the compliment also :). @Jack I'm working on taking out all the I am's. I have done that in an edit. I'm working on it though. Thanks for all the advice! Much appreciated.