Madi's Love
Madi hated that Briana's hair was beautiful and lustered even when windswept. The depth of her love for Briana could only be heard on the 80's ballads station tumbling from the stereo in Madi's car, awkward, just like her smile.
“I'm not one for domestication.” Briana said. “I'm not going to be tied down or let a man humiliate me by calling me his own.”
They crossed the street, out on the town. The midnight air was thick with lust and vodka. Two men with modest mouths looked at Briana and wet their lips. Madi felt like a leftover, a fragment of what a woman should be. Briana gleamed as the moon and stars shown their gaudy light like proud parents over Briana's face.
“I think I'll be single for a while, too,” Madi said although they both knew it was never going to be her choice.
“Mmm hmm.” The affirmation stung like a rag to wet skin. But Madi loved her, blinded by vicarious pleasures and the size of her breasts.
Cicadas played a symphony as they walked from street to street, opposites in flesh, soul mates in one mind. Madi touched Briana on the small of her back. Briana shivered in the heat, jumping with hopscotch feet over puddled corners.
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Author's Note
Remembering an old friend who outshone me at every turn when we were teens, late teens going into adulthood. Currently seeking publication, but need to fine tune it before sending it to markets.
Very nicely done. So much said in so little words.
Wow, thanks!
Beautifully written, and in the way of unspoken confusion, unconscious certitude ... perfect.
Nice work, Tiffany.
"Cicadas played a midnight symphony as they walked from street to street, opposites in flesh, soul mates in only one mind. Madi touched Briana on the small of her back. Briana shivered in the 90⁰ heat, jumping with hotch scotch feet over puddled corners."
This is very fine, Tiffany. Nice work.
If you want to tighten it even more, consider deleting "only one" and "90⁰."
‘Thick with lust and vodka’ is a great line. You do convey a lot here in a brief amount of space. Strong characters.
Couple of nits if I may:
Not sure about ‘fumbling’ as a verb in first para. Fumbling is what I do for my keys. I get that you’re trying to describe the way sound sort of ‘falls’ out of speakers … tumbling, maybe? There’s got to be a better word.
I also don’t think you need to repeat ‘midnight’ in the last para.
Hope this is helpful.
Well done Tiffany White.
Thanks so much everyone. @Bill that works. I need it as tight as possible for submission.
@Neil this is true and tumbling fits much better. Thank you. :-)