A Message from Your Local Superintendent Concerning Sex in Our Public Schools

     It is a great pain to me, personally and professionally, to have to address this subject, but last spring's conviction of former chemistry teacher Tamara Flambé on thirty-seven counts of seducing the entire junior varsity volleyball squad she was said to be “supervising” leaves me with little choice.

     You are hereby admonished to keep the following directives in mind for the remainder of the academic year:

     First of all: be discreet! Is this really so difficult? A lot of bad press results any time an emotionally immature, socially inept, mentally impaired, or physically unappetizing teacher or staff member gets locked up for contributing to the delinquency of minors—no matter how ample her chest, how firm her thighs, how taut her sculpted buttocks, mmm, mmm, mmmm—ummm, no matter how “mature for his age” he may be, and certainly no matter how much “it was his (or her) idea”! No matter how much banal sexual incontinence our nation's entertainment media churn out, sex-saturated Americans still look askance if we professionals in public education indulge even modestly in trans-generational activity.

     Aggrieved as I am by this blatant double standard (inasmuch as public education is still not appreciated for the entertainment value it retains, roughly on par with state lotteries and back-alley vaudevilles), it is with great reluctance that I must firmly insist on a policy change effective immediately through the duration of second semester: any and all seductions of students by teachers and staff MUST be conducted off-campus. Further: seductions of students during the course of field trips are now similarly prohibited.

     Henceforth, school property is reserved for the use of staff-on-staff liaisons only (outside of normal school hours, as previously, whether adulterous or between unmarried partners, whether heterosexual or homosexual. [The only possible exception to the foregoing relates to any groping, fondling, genital stimulation, or copulation occurring in the course of a parent-teacher conference conducted on-site. Such behavior will result in no disciplinary action only: 1) if all blinds are drawn; 2) all doors are locked; and 3) loud groaning is masked by appropriate use of the volume control on the classroom's closed-circuit TV set.])

     As in prior years masturbation is permitted only during a teacher's planning period (custodial staff continue properly to insist that teachers clean up after themselves [their union has negotiated time off for them, too]). Bestiality is no longer permitted on any campus in this district, however, I've had to field far too many complaints in just the first semester from both the SPCA and the Humane Society.

     In other matters: as long as any of you teach in this district, do not once think of introducing suggestive matter into your lesson plans where it plainly does not belong. For example: while Tropic of Cancer is appropriate for junior or senior Advanced Placement classes, it has no credible place in eighth-grade general math or ninth-grade general science. You are responsible for incorporating age-appropriate materials into your lesson plans! (If you elementary teachers can't get your rocks off with the help of Tele-Tubbies, thank the late Reverend Falwell, not me. Be inventive and creative when describing the lives and behaviors of otherwise asexual mascots, animated characters, pre-pubescent action figures, et cetera.)

     Faculty members not in the humanities sometimes complain that instructors in AP film studies have an unfair advantage in their ability to introduce graphic footage in their lessons, whether formally or “by accident”. Such petty jealousy is conduct unbecoming of a professional public educator and will NOT be tolerated in this district! (Note to Mr. Seymour: you still have not sent me the district copy of the Taboo DVD for—evaluation. We're on the cusp of second semester already, get with the program!)

     Health and PE instructors: despite repeated requests, our district has failed to secure fondling, uhhh, funding for all twenty favors—uhhh, flavors of aromatic body-massage oils and the full range and number of educational sex toys for the second year in a row. We all appreciate your sacrifices in this area, but you know just as well as anyone how tight funding has already gotten, so—

     Coaches: with the close involvement of our parent-teacher council, we've hiked cheerleaders' skirts up frankly as high as they'll go, especially if we're thinking of prohibiting underwear, too. State directives now clearly prohibit all-nude cheerleading. Make up your minds about topless or bottomless styles ASAP. (Please don't fail this spring to remind me when tryouts are being held, thanks.)

     Band directors: must it always be Ravel's “Bolero”? Always?

     The math department still needs to exhibit creativity, ingenuity, and imagination. I remind instructors that measuring penis lengths in class has been forbidden lately by both the state board of education and the November plenary of the local board, but even before that, it had become a tedious exercise for students, semester after semester. However, estimating penis lengths in proportion to other biometric data clearly cannot be prohibited, because of the sound pedagogic thrust. Also: can't you get students to measure and calculate bust size based on the length of shadows cast at mid-day, instead of resorting to simple tape measures? Be challenging! There's no sound reason why the kids can't learn a little actual math along the way. (Also, biology teachers note: due to the ongoing shortage of microscopes, conducting daily sperm counts is simply no longer practical.)

     Whatever else you do for the remainder of this academic year, be sure to discourage student-on-student sex. What they do after graduating or dropping out is their business, but as long as they're in our capable hands—! (It almost goes without being said: hands off our new chemistry teacher, Miss Crave Juicegland. After all, I hired her: her with that bushy platinum buzz cut, those stupendous breasts, the positively stupefying convexity of her hips, and that—well, here she is now for her first post-hire interview!)

     A wonderful spring and summer to everyone! The spring semester Bangkok conferences on “Tantric Sex for Teens and Staff” were all booked, so I'm off for another semester of “Kama Sutra for the Classroom” conferences in the Virgin Islands, see you in August!

 

-END-