Ace Reporter

by stephen hastings-king


I am heroically contrary. But you know that. You know that because I tell you as much. Day in day out I tell you as much. Telling you about my heroic contrariness is what I do. Well that and I point out how the lapdogs of the liberal consensus want to silence me. Yet here I am, defying away.

Let me tell you once again about my heroic contrariness which is why they want to de-platform me, to silence me. When they try to silence me, I ignore them.  Then I laugh the laugh of heroes.

But they keep coming. The running dog lackies of the liberal consensus police the border endlessly. They say: Hey you, Ace Reporter, threat to my paycheck, just shut up.  They say: Hey you, Heroic Contrarian who is so very interesting, stop talking.

First I scoff, then I am scathing.  I say: Here's a jab of painfully accurate insights and there's an upper cut of tart sentences. I say: This is yet another rhetorical serious body blow.  Take that! And that! God, how I smite them.  



I'd like to inform you once again of my Heroic Contrarian self and assure you that the contrarian-ness that inspires me to stand up to liberal pieties will continue to do so for as long as there are liberal pieties & myself standing up to them. 

I do this for you, all of you, out there in your respective chairs.



Liberals, I would like to once again point out again that all of you have been wrong about everything since whatever we're talking about began. Only I had it right. Me, the Ace-est of Reporters, I nailed whatever it is & you did not. Bow before me. Kiss the ring on your way down.



Thursday is a good day to remind you of my Ace Reporting and how it cuts through all the ideologically-motivated liberal cant to forcefully point out that, whatever it is, Russia didn't do it.  It is impossible for Russia to have done whatever it is.  But it is, by the same token, inevitable that the US did whatever it is because that is what the US does when it all the time destroys everything everywhere.  

You need Ace Reporters like me who know that is the way of things. You rely on Ace Reporters to cut through the abstractions floated by the corporate media  & hip you to the Real. You expect Ace Reporters like me to use words like "regime change" and "neocon". You have no patience with those plodding stooges of the neoliberal status quo with their prissy reliance on "research" and their “interest” in "what is going on."  You just want to know the good guys, the bad guys and how to tell them apart.



Here's the secret to being an Ace Reporter like me:

1. Have a line and stick to it.

2. Say everything with certainty. 

If you do those two things, the others, in their confusion, will be drawn to you. But their confusion is just a facade. They're really looking for an authoritative voice so they can submit to it---& there's internet fame and maybe some dough to be had from obliging them.



In their spite and envy, the running-dog lackies of the US imperialist war machine say: Ace Reporters like you lack journalistic integrity.

But they're just patronizing elitists. 

Ace Reporters like me spring up from among The People.  I am of the popular classes. I know what they want, and that is why I can give them that thing: a voice that speaks clearly and with certainty to which they can submit.  Someone who knows the good guys, the bad guys, and how to tell them apart.

The People have got a lot going on in their lives these days and, besides, whatever it is, it is probably happening far away, in a place that no-one cares about. They don't have time for "facts."  They just want to be on the right side.  They want to feel virtuous. And who among us doesn't want to feel virtuous?