Thoughts Recorded By My Wife and Sister Three Days After I Emerged From a Coma (Loaded on Dilaudid)

I thought you brought me candy.

Woke up, driving the big rig,

tape everywhere- even under my ears-

to catch all the words that fall out.

Chocolate cars for the rally,

sponsored by Colonel Sanders

during the inverted eating period.

I went on a water gun rampage at Meijer's,

and walked out with a gallon of cookies and cream.

It's the largest hot dog in the room!

This is a secret jet plane

loaded with secret documents

belonging to the eternal ghost of Vince Lombardi.

Then,

a hexagonal ICU

overflowing with teenage nurses, dressed down

and blasting the Dead Milkmen.

Watch!

When I put my radiology silhouette against a mirror

you can see the strangest things:

Me, playing the guitar on one leg,

an evil rabbit garnishing caveman clubs,

a Volvo crossed with a Roomba,

driven by a Shriner with three eyes.

Is he a triclops? Is he the first?

Dilaudid will make you want to fight

the righteous fight, no less,

the bloody and hidden civil war in Puerto Rico

… Just for the glory.

Bake sweet rolls and make love to your new wife,

fall asleep for three years and grow a beard.

These will be the scars I won her with.

It was a brutal swordfight in Old San Juan,

but I sailed away like a glistening pirate

with her over my shoulder, woozy with love and awe.

Two milligrams every two hours.

The cable remote with three buttons:

Volume up, volume down, and summon nurse.

I wished for salt on my ice chips,

and sprinkles for my open wound.