The Meds
What don't they all do for us?
They absorb, eliminate negative feelings and make you smile. To just name a few ... They make you sane, how insane it may seem from a certain point of view.
But let me tell you this: I'm 1300 kms away from my family. I don't care much about family, but I do care for my mother (and some friends). I've been here for over a year, I've got love and I'm happy, believe it or not. Two years ago I would have declared a fortuneteller mad for the prediction of my future, but I never go to fortunetellers.
And yet there is this feeling, a kind of remorse, not for my choices, my love or my life. Not for having taken the not so easy path which means I've learned to appreciate happiness for what it is. But there is that pea under my bed, a spine left in my finger, that definable something that twitches ... Though I love those few persons to death, I don't miss them, and I'm very well aware I should.
And it's not that I'm insensitive, it's not that I love them less than I first thought, no ... It's the meds, they flatten your perception and seem to eliminate everything possibly negative. Lower the dose and you'll know the result.
And somehow, though in a way one should be glad to have them, it seems wrong.
It's right to miss the persons you love.
They absorb, eliminate negative feelings and make you smile. To just name a few ... They make you sane, how insane it may seem from a certain point of view.
But let me tell you this: I'm 1300 kms away from my family. I don't care much about family, but I do care for my mother (and some friends). I've been here for over a year, I've got love and I'm happy, believe it or not. Two years ago I would have declared a fortuneteller mad for the prediction of my future, but I never go to fortunetellers.
And yet there is this feeling, a kind of remorse, not for my choices, my love or my life. Not for having taken the not so easy path which means I've learned to appreciate happiness for what it is. But there is that pea under my bed, a spine left in my finger, that definable something that twitches ... Though I love those few persons to death, I don't miss them, and I'm very well aware I should.
And it's not that I'm insensitive, it's not that I love them less than I first thought, no ... It's the meds, they flatten your perception and seem to eliminate everything possibly negative. Lower the dose and you'll know the result.
And somehow, though in a way one should be glad to have them, it seems wrong.
It's right to miss the persons you love.
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I like the way you've written this, the issues you're dealing with, and the questions you raise.
"Though I love those few persons to death, I don't miss them, and I'm very well aware I should."
I think it's perfectly natural at various stages of life to drift away from close relatives and old friends in order to find yourself. Especially fiction writers, creative thinkers, and artists need that emotional seperation at times, maybe most of the time, or even all the time.
"they flatten your perception and seem to eliminate everything possibly negative."
Using pharmaceuticals to medicate the matrix of human emotions is a much more complicated issue.
"Lower the dose and you'll know the result."
There is a real danger, it appears, in quitting too quickly or reducing the dosage of mood altering, anti-depression medications after a prolonged period of usage.
"one should be glad to have them"
I tried pharmaceuticals. I'm happy I was able to quit them, using natural food and medicine, instead. But I'm still distant and aloof, I'm told.
"It's right to miss the persons you love."
I guess.
It is J., but my mother for example is a specific case. Without her I probably never would have gotten here. And even if I did, she did a lot for me, more than a person can imagine ... to give me the life I wanted to, in short to be able to be happy. It saddens me in a way to be apart from her, because besides my mother she was also a very good friend, but I know that ... if she loves me, this is the way she would want me to go :). Better to have lived than anything else, I guess.
It's said ... all I can say is, that for a certain period they seemed to help me, and according to me that can be true (if it were only because I felt better). But now I'm happy, and I should be, I've got the important things I desired. They say I do well nowadays, and I continue to, but when I lower I notice myself sliding away slowly. And if it's not for myself, I don't want it for my partner.
Yeah I know. I've thought about that. But life comprehends both positive and negative, not only negative like the past, but also not just positive like now ... Lowering the dose or plainly doing without, I miss those few like heaven ;-).
Thanks for your thoughts on this, much appreciated!
Yes, mothers are a special case. My mother has been gone for years and I still feel her presence from somewhere beyond death: makes a believer out of me.
"I know that ... if she loves me, this is the way she would want me to go"
I think you're absolutely correct, as bittersweet as it might be for a mother to accept, your happiness compliments her success.
such good and honest writing.
Thanks Meg!
Mothers and fathers are a special case, missing my father for more than 10 years and it still feels like the loss of my life. So I agree fully.
I've been honoured to have them both as friends ...