Redbeard the Communist Pirate

hated furbies, but not because they
were awful—because they

represented the power of capitalism.
Redbeard the communist pirate also hated

children. He was an atheist but not a
strict Marxist.

(Reluctantly, when the rum kicked in,

he would admit to
voting for Obama.)

☆

As a child, he'd been very afraid of
zombies. Zombies, Redbeard said, are the face of

capitalism itself.

☆

Redbeard was a fan of the rapier. He liked to skewer furbies
on his rapier.

When he pillaged, it was usually from toy stores.

Don't you feel like you're doing something wrong?
he would say to the dead children.

Why would anyone need so many furbies?

☆

Redbeard the communist pirate drank only imported rum.
Sometimes, he thought to himself,

even a pirate should admit
when they have a drinking problem.

☆

He was working on a manifesto.


☆

Redbeard the communist pirate read only old Russian novels.
His crew was twenty pirates strong. He was building an empire.

But are you really a communist? someone had asked once.
One of your pirates is a dentist on her days off. Your ship—

They never finished the question. Redbeard had
skewered them

with his rapier.

☆

It was a hard life, he thought. It was a cold world.

☆

Honestly though, his beard
was really

more of a
brownish color.