The Rite and Wrong of Passage

by Kevin John Phillips

My doctor thought it was funny as all get out. 


“Yeah,” he chuckled as he scribbled more unreadable junk on the paper, “When my patient turns fifty, I like to think of this as a rite of passage; a sign that you are entering — no pun intended — another segment of your life.”


To quote Short Round in The Temple of Doom: “Very funny Doctor Jones.”


My sadistic doctor was the only one laughing amongst the both of us, that's for sure.  He was writing my letter of introduction, my invitation into the old men's club.  Yes sir, I was officially, cordially, confirmed to meet that Irish/ Russian fellow…Colon Oscopy.


I am all about preventative everything; really I am.  I get my physical every year, go to my dentist, change my oil and rotate my tires, and hide all the money I can when the missus goes to Kohl's.  To me, however, this test is a head-scratcher.


A few years back they were shooting this rocket probe off to hit a certain comet, but the comet wasn't scheduled to be around for eight years.  The probe was to land on the comet, collect some space dust, measure this, cipher that, paint the thing red white and blue, salute it while humming Yankee Doodle Dandy, and then hightail it home. Backwards.  Something like that; here's my point.




They can figure out exactly where, when, and how to aim a probe (Ooo; irony!) at something that won't be here for eight years, and you're telling me there's no scanning device they can ‘woo-woo-woo' over me, ala Star Trek, and check me out?  There's no blood test or cool, non-evasive machine that can do the deed?



Well, I made the appointment, sort of.  While talking to Dr. Oskopy, he says this: “…and as long as we got you doctored up, ought to do an endoscopy too.  Kinda check the traffic on I-35 north and south.”


“Well,” I say, disgustedly, “might as well call in the other orifice doctor buddy's y'all got, and do a report on I-30, 820 and that cross street behind the Kinko's in Grapevine.”


The doctor gets into the spirit and says, “Hey, maybe we get Raquel Welch and the Proteus…have us a Fantastic Voyage and map your insides.” 


Very funny Dr. O.