Give Tongue
by Johnsienoel
I lie away the life of wonder
and vex the drone of days,
I wile away in wanton slumber
while crafting my next phrase.
Penning a slight of tongue well versed
or worse, a salacious lie
I hold in my hands a truth unknown
set free between the lines.
My metaphors bear resemblances,
my tautologies do repeat.
I sprinkle hyperbole for effect,
my meters wag their feet.
Pithy though the verse may be,
words you say too brief,
my mouth gives tongue
to lingering truths
and deceit sullies up the sheets
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Author's Note
Originally appeared in SOUNDZINE, Nov. 2009 "Things I Should Have Said" edition
I read it here: http://soundzine.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=423&Itemid=1
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So well done. And reading it aloud is a lot of fun. I find I always have great admiration for this kind of energy, the time and construction, the concentration it must take on and consume. For me it only coughed once at the end;I would rewire it to:my mouth gives tongue to lingering truths while deceit sullies the sheets. I'm just not sure "up" adds anything to the overall effect--which is wonderful!--even if it adds up neatly to your designed course in mind.Thanks for posting. Really enjoyed this.
Thanks, Darryl! 'Up' was an editorial suggestion prior to publication. I struggled with crafting the last verse for months, removing & replacing that one word. I think it boiled down to an auditory preference; a desire for a hard sound, a POP at the end of the line to offset 'deceit.'
Good form. Wonderful music throughout the piece. The poem has wonderful sound to the ear.
The opening stanza invites the reader in. "Up" works for me becuase of how its beat connects the music of the three final lines.
Good work in this piece.
Johnsienoel - I'm in the 'up' camp with Sam and your month long decision, as in thumbs up. But, as Darryl suggested 'while deceit', I'd prefer that or 'as deceit' instead of 'and deceit' - quibbling with such a fine piece. Italicizing the first 'lie' makes the reader immediately aware this is an action poem, not a reverie. Braggadocio also, poet feeling her oats. Excellant.
An excellent crafting of the craft.
My favorite: "I hold in my hands a truth unknown
set free between the lines."
Sam! The beats. YES! The beats. I worked to thrum them precisely so I am glad you heard them and see how losing 'up' would falter the steps. Thank you!
Walter - good points. I like 'while/as' deceit much, much better. Truly. Truly. The last three lines have vexed to no end and now they seem to hold tight the tempo. Thank you for the suggestions Walter & Darryl.
Erin - thanks to you as well. I often struggle with 'topic' in my poems, always asking 'would anyone really care.' But then I hate to swat away the muse when she strikes. I've have doodled notes about the craft but been remiss to draft into poems. I suppose they all would have relevance somewhere.
Reading it again I think I would go with "as" because you've already used the word "while" in your fourth line. Still love it though! You should be proud of this one.Good show.