Getting to the Apt.:
If you're coming from Riverside, you'll want to turn onto Magnolia. So, if you're coming from north to south on Riverside, that means you'll want to turn right onto Magnolia; if you're coming from south to north, take a left. If you're coming in on I-75, you'll want to get off at the Downtown exit. If you get to the Cemetery Road exit, you've gone too far. That's all if you're coming from south to north on 75. If you're coming from north to south on 75, still take the Downtown exit, but don't go so far that you reach the junction with 16, because then you've gone too far. Once you take the exit (the Downtown exit), you'll want to take a right or a left, depending on which direction you exited the freeway from. If you came in from south to north, then you want to take a left when you get to the light. If you came from north to south, take a right.
Once you get to Magnolia, my building will be on your left, at the end of the block. It's a seven-storey brick building. But, if you come at night you probably won't be able to make out the bricks, or how tall the building is (there are lots of trees!), so look for the drug store on the right at about the middle of the street. It's a CVS, and next door is a Blockbuster. The Blockbuster and CVS are only about fifty yards from my building, which will be on the left. You can park on the street from 10 AM to 4 PM for two hours before you get a ticket. But if you come during rush hour (between 6 AM and 9 AM and from 4 PM to 6 PM) you won't be able to park at all, and your car will be towed. But if you come really early (before 6 AM) or late (after 6 PM) you won't have to worry about parking at all. But, Sinamyn doesn't like to have visitors that early or late, so I recommend not coming during those times. Also, as for the parking, Magnolia's not exactly a "safe" street during those hours, so if you park, be sure not to leave any valuables in plain sight, and I'd just leave the doors unlocked, so that the homeless don't break any windows before they rifle through your things. Once, I parked on the street and I came back and found syringes on the floorboards and I'd only been parked down there for like twenty minutes!
Once you get to the front of the building (the address is 419, FYI; I know you've been here before, but, just to be safe!), look to the left, on the brick wall (here you'll actually be able to see the bricks—even at night, because of the street lamps. They're really old, aren't they?), which will be west of the main door. There's a telephone dialing pad sort of thing there. Dial 0265, which will unlock the front door. Then you can get inside. Inside, there will be a hallway to the left, but don't go down that. To your right is the staircase. Take the stairs to the second floor. At the second floor there will be a door labeled "2." Open the door. You'll want to turn left inside the hallway, and take another left. There's no other way to go, so you shouldn't have any trouble with this part! On the left-hand side of the hallway you'll see my apt., No. 265 (I know, I haven't changed the code to unlock the doors downstairs yet, and I should probably get around to that, but I knew you'd be looking after Sinamyn and this would make things easier, so I've been putting it off), about three doors down on the left. The floors here are all original hardwood, so if you're wearing heels, they tend to clack quite loudly. That's not a problem, unless you're coming at those really early or late times, because I wouldn't want you wake up the neighbors. Mrs. Gitlen, (across the hall) is kind of old, and rather suspicious, and I don't think she sleeps much, like many old people, or she is a terribly light sleeper, and she might wake up and think you're a stranger and call the police.
Once you're inside the apt. (the other day at work I gave you two keys. The round one's for the deadbolt, the square one's for the knob; I had them made that way so you wouldn't get them mixed up). The kitchen counter will be on your left, and that's where I usually set down my purse when I come home. It's just a convenient place to put down your things so that you can get settled before taking care of Sinamyn. By the way, thanks so much for this; you're a big help!
Feeding:
Sinamyn only needs to eat once a day (she's been on a diet since she started puffing up, and the vet said that for her age she shouldn't be putting on that much weight, so I'm not feeding her as much), so, like I said, you only need to come over that one time during the day, and whether you come at night or in the morning is up to you, but try not to let more than 24 hours go between feedings.
To the right of the kitchen counter (mentioned above) you'll find the refrigerator. On the right side of the refrigerator (when facing the fridge, this will be the north side) is the refrigerator compartment. The left side is the freezer. You shouldn't need to get into the freezer at all, especially if you don't give in to Sinamyn's whining for more food! I've left enough for her to cover the day I'm gone, but should you need any extra, there's some in the freezer. If you open the freezer, on the middle shelf (the top shelf contains the frozen tofu, and the bottom shelf my ice cream. Sorry, I know there's a lot of ice cream. I don't know why I'm saying sorry about that; it's my ice cream and I shouldn't feel bad; I'm just thinking what you might be thinking of when (or if) you see all that ice cream. Vanilla's my favorite, and, well, you know what kind of month it's been, so you can probably understand) you'll find ziplock freezer bags of Sinamyn's food. These have been frozen to preserve the flavors, because I read online that if the food is kept in its packaging at room temperature for more than six months, it gets bland. I don't know how it is that they know that. Can you imagine? I always stock up on Sinamyn's food for at least eight to twelve months, just because I don't want it to snow (I know, it's crazy, since we live in Florida, but still!) and I couldn't get the car out of the garage for all the ice and make it to the grocery store, or PetSmart, only to find out that other pet owners had beat me to it and the food's all gone. So, should you need more food (but I doubt you will) take one freezer bag and set it in the big pot in cold water in the sink to defrost. That's how I do it. I don't like to use the microwave, because eventually-even on defrost-it starts to cook the food, and then it turns into this mushy mess that Sinamyn won't even look at. She's a very fickle little thing. If you turn around from the refrigerator, you'll be facing the island that sits in the middle of the kitchen, where the sink is. To the left of the sink, and below it, is a cupboard, and inside you'll find pots and pans. The "Big Pot" I use, is the dutch oven-looking one that has the clear lid and sits on the bottom right-hand side of the cupboard. Use this to defrost the extra food. Just drop the freezer bag into the pot, cover it with water from the tap and let it sit in the sink. It usually takes about twenty minutes to defrost. Feel free to sit and watch television while you're waiting. You can also watch TV while Sinamyn's eating, before you take her on her walk. If there's nothing good on the TV, I have every season of Buffy on DVD. Operating instructions for the television and DVD player follow below...
The funny thing is that I actually wrote a somewhat-similar tome, "Instructions for the Care and Feeding of Archie and Cicero" for a friend watching our cats when I was on vacation. So I read "Sinamyn" and laugh and laugh, albeit nervously.
Like Jen, I've written e-mails like this about getting to my house from the airport, etc. I always assume the worst and still even now am getting a sick feeling about the direx I'll have to give people coming to visit me and driving from the airport. You get this voice so right (and I love the little (thanks!) you have sprinkled in. This is a classic and should be published somewhere that knows the funny.
Like Jen, I've written e-mails like this about getting to my house from the airport, etc. I always assume the worst and still even now am getting a sick feeling about the direx I'll have to give people coming to visit me and driving from the airport. You get this voice so right (and I love the little (thanks!) you have sprinkled in. This is a classic and should be published somewhere that knows the funny.
Um, that's fucked up. I just hit it once. Seriously. I didn't hit it twice or anything. You can go up into the corner of where my "second" (it's really just the same comment so I feel weird saying "second" but you know what I mean) comment (or first comment is fine...if you want to delete that one instead since really the two are the same and no one will be the worse for wear). Anyways, put your mouse (hover it really) over the "delete" and then hit enter. That should work but if not I think you can right click on the delete button and then click "delete". If worst comes to worst, and having the two comments atop one another drives you crazy (it would me!), then maybe you can e-mail Jurgen and ask him to take care of this. I suspect you know how to do that but let me know if not and I'll contact him.
and, hee, i actually read this piece months and months ago. i was just telling jen it was one of the stories i immediately thought of when considering the option of editing for jmww. your stuff always impresses me, and i still remember reading your stuff in Lamination Colony when I was just getting back into writing. Liked your Atlanta chap, too, obviously. Plus, isn't your better half some sort of lawyer or something?
Hey David, thanks man. And yes, my old lady's a lawyer--like you. Thanks, also, for the props on the chap. In a few weeks the full-length book (of which Atlanta's a part) will be released. Check it, yo!
Oh, shit, that's right about the impending release! Kudos, man, and I'm gonna get on that train. That chap cracked me up in the ways only great fiction can.
This is great. This really got me: "To the right of the kitchen counter (mentioned above)"
Well done.
i got it. Be there at 7.
Hey Cami, I know: seems like everybody's got a pal like this person!
Sean: make sure you also have your four cardinal directions dialed in.
Used to live in Riverside, CA and know Magnolia, so my interest was raised by the first few lines. Thereafter, I really was taken by the fun of this piece -- lifted right out of everyday reality and somethng that hits a chord of recognition with everyone. Unfortunately, it's a device that can only be used one time and now that you have done it, where can you take it? I look forward to Chapter 2.and/or your next piece.
Lee Wohlfert
Lee: Thanks so much, and yes, it's pretty much a one-trick deal with this kind of thing.
As a pet-care professional, I'm very familiar with the tone that this imitates (and heightens effectively and funnily). Cool, Jamie!
i'm currently out of town and believe i left very similar instructions for the care and feeding of noah. i suspect we might be crazy cat ladies, jamie ...