My nose

by Ed Higgins

When I was 14 I accidentally heard a woman saying behind my back, “God—— this kid wasn't cooked long enough nor with the right recipe. He has such an ugly duckling profile.” To my horror I now discovered in my nose an obvious duckliness. For a while I almost stopped masturbating and wasted a huge amount of time investigating the configuration of my nose with the fragile hope something would improve. My nose tragically refused. I began masturbating more often, if only to distract my troubled mind. Which did the trick as I eventually lost all interest in my nose.