extinguished
The silence grew louder as it grew longer. Her eyes probed for weakness and found it everywhere.
"What do you want me to say?," he eventually stammered. "'I'm sorry' obviously won't do."
"Try 'goodbye,'" she spat at his feet.
His gaze rose, sought hers, found only flint. He feared to strike a spark.
"What do you want me to say?," he eventually stammered. "'I'm sorry' obviously won't do."
"Try 'goodbye,'" she spat at his feet.
His gaze rose, sought hers, found only flint. He feared to strike a spark.
|
0
favs |
906 views
6 comments |
55 words
All rights reserved. |
Author's Note
I tend to write too many words. I see that the 55-word story is an exercise that's got some currency here so I resolved to undertake it. This resulted, so quickly I now wonder how long it's been waiting for me to discipline myself enough to let it out.
Other stories by Daniel Passamaneck
Tags
Comments
You must
log in
to post comments.
Yup. How it is sometimes.
Yes, agree with Bill, how it is sometimes.
Nicely done Daniel, and I liked your Author's Note.
Perhaps consider eliminating "stammered". Not needed. Extra apostrophe after "sorry".
Liked "... found only flint. He feared to strike a spark."
Thanks for the reads. Cherise, I, can I follow up with you about your suggestions?
Of course.
Thanks Cherise. I poked around to figure out how to pursue this out of the comments box but, failing that, here's my questions:
"stammered": Would you replace that with "said"? Seemed so pedestrian...
extra ' : I was going for an internal quote mark - there's three to start that sentence. Too precious?
Again, I really appreciate the close reading. Writing mostly on a blog, I'm lucky to get more than a LOL most times. Looking forward to reading more of your work - In the Lake was sublimely chilling.
Hi Daniel,
Sent you a message here on fn about moving around the site that might be helpful.
My own take - internal quote marks on a piece this short isn't really necessary, especially since what each is saying is true, and does not additional highlights. It is so to the point.
The eventually stammered, for me, doesn't get to what his emotion is, doesn't match up to the great end line. Is he upset? Saying this quietly? Hopes that what he says will change her mind? Those were some of the thoughts I was thinking.