Trumping the Ground Zero Mosque

by Con Chapman

News item:  Donald Trump offered 25% more than Hisham Elzanaty paid for the proposed site of a mosque near the former World Trade Center even though, in Trump's words, the location was not “a spectacular one.” 

MODERATOR:  Good afternoon and welcome to the Trump Entrepreneur Initiative's half-day seminar, Investing in Inflammatory Religious Real Estate!

(applause from attendees who have paid $1,500 a head and figure at that price it must be good)

You know, there's a wealth of opportunities right now for entrepreneurs willing to purchase commercial properties whose value is depressed due to religious controversy, and here to tell you about them is the World's Most Renowned Entrepreneur, Donald J. Trump!

(more applause, same principle)

TRUMP:  Thank you, thank you everybody!You know, if you've attended any of my seminars in the past, you've left feeling uplifted if slightly lighter in the wallet—and who knows how to manage without cash better than me with my three Chapter 11's!

(knowing laughter)

Anyway, like I always tell the hostess on my infomercials, Trump real estate seminars are a great place to meet people just like her: smart, a great set of knockers, beautiful or at least good looking.   Go ahead—take a look in your compact mirror or reflective sunglasses and tell me what you see.  Somebody smart and good looking, right?  I thought so!

But that person you see isn't rich, correct?  That's because that person—who you may know as “yourself”—has been following all the old rules about investing in real estate.  Stuff like “What are the three rules of real estate?”

(audience:  “Location, location, location.”)

On the nosey.  To which I say “Wrong, wrong, wrong!”  Location isn't half as important as a property's political-religious footprint.  You want foot traffic for retail, that's critical.  And you don't get foot traffic without a little controversy—am I right?


(“You're right, Donald!”)

Of course I'm right.  Did you know we have a 98% Student Satisfaction Rating at these seminars?  And the other 2%?  Losers!  They don't come anymore because they can't afford it.  Which brings me to Trump's first Rule of Success—always go first class.

So today we're going to take all the old rules and throw them out the window, where they belong!  I'm going to show you how you can take a dump of a property, buy it for 25% more than the asking price, then turn a big profit—even if it's not a spectacular location!

What you do is, first you get somebody else to front the dough.  Hey—you brought them the opportunity to make money, didn't you?  You think that kind of savvy investment advice is free?  Of course not.  Then, if things go south, you go into bankruptcy.  You don't have to read the first ten chapters of the Bankruptcy Code—go straight to Chapter 11, or listen to it on one of my instructional DVDs.  You can get the boxed set with three of my most powerful motivational tools—Donald Trump: Dealmaker, Donald Trump: Peacemaker, and The Apprentice: The Complete First Season—for only $81.93!Which brings me to Trump's Rule Number Two:  somebody screws you, you screw them back—harder.

(wild applause)           

But, you say, why would anybody want to finance a property that's going to have screaming protestors out front every day, making life miserable for the door man.  I'll tell you why—because you want to end a very serious, inflammatory and highly divisive situation!  You're a freaking saint is what you are!  Look: you—by which I mean me—are the Number 1 real estate developer in New York, you're the Number 1 developer in Atlantic City, there's no reason you can't be the Number 1 developer in the world, maybe even heaven!

(wild applause) 

Which brings me to my third Rule of Success—and I say this to every terrorist in the world—always get a pre-nup!