by Con Chapman
WASHINGTON, D.C. It arrived with a resounding “plop” on the White House front porch this afternoon, like a wet copy of the Sunday New York Times, but its echoes may be heard deep into the 2012 presidential campaign. A Freedom of Information Act request received by the White House today calls on the Obama Administration to prove, once and for all, that First Pooch “Bo” is in fact a Portugese water dog, a claim that detractors say is untrue.
Bo: “I look forward to clearing my name—and sniffing your butt—in court.”
“The self-proclaimed ‘Breeder' movement is a bunch of wingnuts who do not deserve the attention of respectable media outlets,” White House press secretary Jay Carney said amid a crush of reporters who sought copies of the document, which starts the clock ticking on a tight timetable for release of Bo's American Kennel Club papers. “I know you guys individually probably aren't very respectable, but you work for really big companies so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.”
Carney: “Go ahead—pull my finger.”
“Bo” is described in official White House documents as a “neutered Portugese water spaniel, or ‘Portie,'” but there are curious gaps in his lineage. “We know who his mother was, but not his father,” said Larry Elkind of ABO12, a group whose acronym stands for “Anybody But Obama in '12.” “He could be a ‘mutt' like the president says of himself, or he could be poodle on steroids. We won't know until we see a long-form certified pedigree.”
Long-form AKC pedigree certificate: Where's the original?
To date the White House has released only a short-form pedigree certificate, which “breeders” claim bears signs of alteration. “The ‘K' in the middle of ‘AKC' is longer than the other letters, like it was drawn by El Greco on an acid trip,” said Thomas van der Vant, who is currently on a book tour with an unauthorized biography of the First Pooch titled “Bo: Who Really Knows?” “I'd lay you dollars to donuts it was altered by the CIA, the FBI, the Rosicrucians or the 1954 Cleveland Indians.”
Rocky Colavito with four unidentified “nuns”: “It's all in the wrists, sister.”
The American Kennel Club issues two types of certificates, long and short-form. Both are acceptable identification for use in obtaining a passport, but only the long form gives a comprehensive history of a dog's ancestry. “I can't release that without the consent of the dog or its owner,” said Normand Orsten, President of the Hawaii chapter of the organization. “If the dog barks when I ask—and you pay the $25 statutory fee for a certified copy—then everything's jake.”
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