On Deciding Not to Be a Bitch
by Con Chapman
You know it makes one feel rather good deciding not to be a bitch.
Lady Brett Ashley, The Sun Also Rises
Deny yourself that pleasure
For my sake; that feeling beyond measure
That you get when you finally, and with much angst,
Decide not to be a bitch, to a round of general thanks.
Unbitchiness brings happiness that is fleeting
While running me down in a BMW on your way, late, to a meeting
Is a memory I'll always cherish,
Assuming I live and don't perish.
Yes, that's my coat in the overhead compartment
That brings you such exasperation
As you smash it with your briefcase, with deportment.
Forgive me for getting there first—I'm an abomination!
I agree, your half-caf soy chai whateveruccino
Has to be perfect. Don't mind the line
That stretches out to the horizon, we won't make a scene-o
We don't have to get to work at any particular time—we're fine!
No, go on your merry way, I love you just the way you are
And surely I'm not alone--
The big hair, the blood-red nails, the car
That swerves into me while you talk on your phone.
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Very funny, Con! I think I know this woman!
Thanks. Glad to see Fictionaut back up--I couldn't get in for several days.
Love "the car that swerves into me while you talk on the phone."
My favorite is the idiot in the grocery store who acts as though he or she has no hands while waiting for someone else to bag the groceries as ten other folks tap their toes in line. That's a bitch, of either sex.
I believe the precise term for the male counterpart is--can I say this in the privacy of the internet?--a prick.
I'm pretty sure within the last few weeks we've opened the joint to just about every offensive word you can think of, Con. Prick away...