We sit close on our last evening, facing our window perch high above Manhattan and watching the sun settle behind Ellis Island. With each passing minute the colors darken our silence, splashing against the whitewashed walls in sad oranges and dying yellows and foreboding purples, and with this onslaught of color we change, quivering where our legs touch, tears welling and falling inside instead of out, all of it swelling into a pregnant, weighty sadness.
I light candles, Lucy pours wine, and the colors reduce her as well, stripping away the frowns of anger and distilling her sadness into a dim silhouette of who she used to be. Time has been mean to us, as we have been to each other, and our split has left much of our shared humanity frozen in place, hurtful emotions suspended and untranslated between us, waiting to churn into something more useful, a new malignity or bitterness, something durable that will outlast our stranded moments.
The eviction notice curls at the edges outside our painted door. On the coffee table are divorce papers, signed and countersigned hours ago. We'd made a deal, and would honor it at last.
Six months, we'd said.
“You knew it wouldn't be enough time,” she says, her voice soft and fractured.
In the reflection of the darkening window I can see our suitcases framing the door like serene bouncers, waiting to grant us entry to our new lives.
“What are you asking?” I say, sipping my wine, watching the suitcases blur as the rim of the glass touches my lips.
She doesn't answer. Ten minutes slide by unmolested in the anesthesia of cheap wine and resignation, the bouncers blurring and unblurring, the room dimming, quieting, the kaleidoscope of sundown giving way to the gentle sadness of candlelight.
In the window I see her face as it was on that final day, before our months of attrition and lawyers. A face not of guilt or fear or regret, but only relief. I knew then, at that very moment, what I know now. There is never enough time. And no matter how we might arrange the rules, we'd both lose.
Far below our window the last caravan of tourists returns from Liberty to a line of waiting white buses. Photos are snapped, mini-vacations paused or ended, hugs and air-kisses exchanged, everyone else working surreptitiously for their pleasure and waiting to clock out. In the distance Staten Island burns, an apartment complex smoldering from late afternoon arson, the destruction of those lives silently nourishing our own media-deprived tragedy, sad colors filling out an extraordinary sunset that will soon leave everything black.
“I never knew anything, Lucy,” I whisper. “That's the point.”
Leave it in the past, we'd said. No questions.
The suitcases shimmer in the candlelight. Lucy lays her head on my shoulder, tracing lazy circles on my chest with her finger and nuzzling my neck, her nose wet from crying. The smell of her dark hair is heady, sensual and intoxicating still, even now. I squeeze her head in my arms and watch my tears fall unnoticed between us.
“He's not you,” she says, sobbing and making fists with the fabric of my shirt, both of us, trembling.
I close my eyes, not yet ready to bear witness as we erase one other. There is so much that we just can't do.
She reaches behind me with her arms, squeezing me like a life raft.
“Will I see you again?” she asks?
I hope so, I say to myself.
Somewhere downstairs her lover waits for her call, pacing my lobby with the laziness of a fat, kept tiger. We sit there for a few minutes more, just breathing, losing ourselves one last time in the soft noise of our fading lives.
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Another work in progress, leaning more towards flash.
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Some of the writing in her sizzles. I love these lines in particular:
"I can see our suitcases framing the door like serene bouncers, waiting patiently to grant us entry to our new lives."
The whole paragraph starting: "Far below, the last caravan of tourists returns . . ."
"Pacing my lobby with the laziness of a fat, kept tiger."
Questions arise, however. The Staten Island apartment complex burning--I end up wanting to know more about that. I know the point is yours is a small tragedy that won't make the news, while everyone else know about the apartment building. Still, mention of that begs more information, begs how that is affecting our two characters themselves (it almost can't sit wholly in the background, once it's mentioned).
"Waiting to erase me" is a good last line, but I wonder if there's some other word you could use instead of "erase" that would go more with the "tiger" image. Obviously, "eat me" or "destroy me" would be too forced. I don't have a decent suggestion, unfortunately.
In the first two paragraphs, you focus heavily on the emotions of this moment, but I find myself wanting descriptions that are more concrete here. There's also something weird here, about how tied in Lucy seems to this guy, even though she's leaving him for another. I'm curious to know more there--why? So, I guess, is the narrator.
I felt the emotions in this piece - the sadness, the loneliness, the weariness. I feel you captured the end of a relationship and gave it a certain dignity.
Smart move to avoid backstory. End-of-relationship stories tend to flashback, but you really keep it in the scene. Well done. The intoxication and blurred vision really adds to the mood. Also, your prose is lyrical and beautiful.
Minor:
Adverbs. I tend to favor them, too, that's why I notice. I usually just do a search on "ly" and delete any I can bear to part with.
I really enjoyed reading this!
Brett, I'm with Teresa all around. I think you can lose some of the -ly words, particularly here ("close my eyes tightly" and "her lover waits patiently for her call"). I like/love "the laziness of a fat, kept tiger." In fact, I'd cut the "waiting to erase me" and end on the image of the tiger. good stuff.
Brett,
The language in this piece is unbelievable - heady - took me and pulled me into the drama and intensity of feeling, without being saccerine or syrupy. Well done.
Using the present tense adds to the immediacy, the that's-just-how-it-would-be feeling, and (I think) that replacing some of the **ing words would make it feel even more immediate.
Gerunds do that to me though, an to some others as well - push a bit of space between the writer and the reader if they are used a lot.
Oh. Did I say that I love this piece?
Faved.
Wow! Thanks so much for all the help on this piece. I've been struggling with Flash for a while and I enjoy it very much, and these comments are an enormous help to me. I'll try to comment, in order.
Jon: Thanks for the kind words. I've been wrestling with your suggestions for days now...
The fire scene, I think it doesn't matter...it serves only as an anchor to the world outside of their sadness, and I hope their lack of interest (numbness) is bolstered by the lack of description.
As far as character development, that's a much harder issue. I will try to include some short hints to make them more real, but again it's not about their conflict or how they got there. It's about the resignation after decisions are made, and the grace, or lack thereof, shown in handling a difficult situation common to us all.
I think I can add a little bit...Lucy seems especially flat.
And the last line...you're right. Thanks so much.
Teresa:
Thanks as well, especially the blurred intoxication and vision. My style naturally towards vagueness, and it's hard to find a balance. I agree completely about avoiding the backstory...I just wasn't conscious that I was doing so.
As far as the 'ly' words...thank you so much. You're absolutely right. The narration is stronger without them, and if you noticed, so will many others.
David:
Again, thanks. I agree completely with you and Jon about the last line.
Yvette:
I agree with you concerning the **ing words, and will do what I can. I just wouldn't have noticed. I almost always write in present tense now...somehow it suits me. Thanks again, for your kind words and criticism.
Everyone, this was a huge help for me. I cannot thank you enough.
I love the colors of this piece, emotional, physical and metaphorical. But I do want more of a backstory. If Lucy is so connected to this guy then why is she leaving him.
It doesn't have to be told in flashback but I feel as a reader I need more insight into them to have this story mean as much to me as it obviously does to the narrator.
The six months not being enough time snags me but then I never get any answers. I think you need a little more.
beautiful so far though