Thanatos Collective

As far as strategies for ending life early, it's hard to beat Ultra Lights.

With Full Flavor cigarettes, we know when we've had enough. The flavor starts to overwhelm. With Ultra Lights, we just keep sucking smoke until we're eating the filter. Lower lung damage is maximized.

Smoking is the ultimate in oral fixation. It's the cocksucking of strategic death planning. Cocksucking itself was once the sure means to an early death, but HIV now takes decades to do its business. Inefficient, ineffectual, unacceptable.

For most people, excessive drinking is the quickest route to an early grave. But we're the Lance Armstrongs of vodka consumption, so our shortcut has to be cigarettes.

Please, Pall Mall, let us out early. We don't need to live for much longer. Do your deadliest. We will smoke you to our dying day, and we say, the sooner the better.