Don't Let Bears Give You a Headache

by Matt Rowan

You think about bears and it gives you a headache? Don't give them that power.

You see bears and it gives you a headache? Don't run. Don't walk but don't run. Running might give you a headache, or a worse headache, which I'm thinking is exactly what they want. The terror you feel because you've encountered a bear in the wild or on the loose in a(n) (sub)urban public place is possibly going to give you a headache, likewise. Don't let it. Be calm. Be cool. Calmly climb a tree and coolly sit there till your feeling that you might get a headache subsides.

Don't beware the werebear, no matter how fun it is to chant Best to Beware the Werebears! That's how untruths get traction, by their being fun to say. Werebears are your friends. They are men who become men-like bears when the moon is just right, at around the same time men become werewolves. Maybe just before. Sometimes just after, in special cases.

People say that silver bullets are the only thing that can protect you from a charging werewolf. Wrong. Werebears are another thing that can protect you from a charging werewolf.

Don't be fooled.

Don't kid yourself.

Don't pay much, if any, attention to how werebear sounds the same as Carebear. Of course they're different entities and of course one is a very real phenomenon and one is children's television fiction. Now, think about how much time you'll waste thinking of this strange, but entirely coincidental, congruency. Might it give you a headache?

Don't let it.

Because this isn't about Carebears. You could try to make it about Carebears. But Carebears only ever bring delight with their caring. They are also fictional. And what fictional things give headaches like the real thing? I'm hard pressed to answer. I'd complain about Pauly Shore if he were relevant and fictional.

What else can you do to avoid letting bears give you a headache? Trust them. Like not in a crazy way like Timothy Treadwell, but you know in a way that's not crazy.

Trust in their goodness, their godliness. Their goddamn goodness and godliness and goodliness.

If you just don't dress up like a pile of garbage in an open garbage can, smelling like actual garbage, perhaps because you used actual garbage to complete the effect. The point is, don't do it.