Something Short
by Kevin Hunter
It went like this: We were at the river. It had been a long day. The sun set over the hill tops, now. Me and Danny sat by the edge with buckets of water full of small fish and some dead crab that we'd got from the market, earlier and looked out over the small waves the breeze made. You could hear the quail over the bank squawking and see the brush split, and you knew it was Betsy out there having some fun. A little while after that Danny would have already drowned in the rock water at the bottom of the river. He'd lost his footing by the hard, slippery edge while looking out for Betsy. But for now, though, it was only a bright, cool evening with my best friend and his pet dog out playing in the calm silence, with the breeze in your hair and the feeling of crab meat melting in the mouth and down into your stomach, and without that sick feeling you got because you couldn't do a thing about it when it happened but watch--you were so afraid.
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I really liked this. Compact and real with a turn I didn't see coming until I was around the bend.*
Love the non-linear approach to this, and the narrator's tendency--a very natural, human one--to recollect the good over the bad while still telling the horror of the story. Nicely done.
Like Susan said: Loved the non linear approach to this and the beautiful moment before the happening. *
Straightforward storytelling. Good for you. *
Brings to mind Carver. I do mean this as a compliment.
Thank you all for your kind words and feedback. It really means a lot to me. I'm sorry I hadn't responded sooner.
Yes, me too. I like the easy tone of this telling, even though it's something so hard to tell. Interesting how you balance that.
One thing that I tripped over is this phrase: "...he having lost his footing..."
That "he" stands out to me, because of the way you use "Me" as the subject of an earlier sentence. This almost sounds like someone trying to use correct grammar -- but I don't see why the narrator would care about that here. For consistency, I'd change that to "...him having lost his footing" or even deleting the pronoun and just going with "having lost his footing...". Take a look. After reviewing it again, you may even reword that phrase altogether, to find something more consistent with the tone and vernacular here.
Really like this piece, though -- the way the narrator struggles with all the images from that moment. You capture the struggle of memory very well here. And I like the ambiguity of the title, too.
*
Thanks for the response. I see what you mean about the phrasing there. I've made one of the changes you suggested. Thanks for taking the time to give that feedback.