13 statements about the United States of Chimerica made by the Bird King during a press conference

by James Knight

1. Jesus made the United States of Chimerica from the hide of a gator he killed with his bare hands back in the winter of '81.

2. The people of the United States of Chimerica are watched over by a straight-talkin' angel with hillbilly eyes and a crown of nuclear missiles.

3. Chimerican iconography 1:
Ronald McDonald smiling beatifically whilst firing a shotgun at a spinning globe.

4. Chimerican English is the language of commerce, war, touchscreen dreams, charity, love, power, landscapes, mindscapes and escapes.

5. God told Abraham Lincoln to establish the NRA. When the End Days come, the Statue of Liberty will hunt down those who won't kiss the gun.

6. The flag of the United States of Chimerica is usually referred to as “the Scars and Stripes.”

7. Chimerican iconography 2:
The all-seeing eye, held in the teeth of a piranha.

8. On Independence Day, George Washington gave birth to the Empire State Building and a plague of dollars descended on the USSR.

9. The Boston Tea Party was orchestrated by Jesus, disguised as the Mad Hatter.

10. The Chimerican Intelligence Agency has exterminated all non-human animal species and replaced them with Simubots™ equipped with cameras.

11. Chimerican iconography 3:
A bald eagle crucified on a pylon. In the background: a burning bush, in the shape of a man.

12. At night, Ronald Raygun delivers triumphal nightmares in the subterranean maternity ward of the Pentagon.

13. We all live in the United States of Chimerica.