Our Last Tea Party

WASHINGTON — The body count is astronomical. Roughly 98% of all Americans are now the “collateral damage” President Obama warned of; the result of a budget crashing down on top of them, with more casualties expected in the months and years to come. The only group to escape the wreckage unharmed is the wealthy 2%, who will continue to avoid being affected by anything.

Early warning systems against this impending doom were circumvented by Tea Parties, where people with a right to be angry were forced to drink a concoction of two-parts Coca-Cola and one part Jim-Jones. This new form of narcotic “Tea” was served brimming hot to all the masses, until they became weak and vulnerable floozies.

While the corporate “Tea” branding worked wonders, the Jim Jones Koolaid playbook became its most enticing flavor. It compelled all those who drank it to believe “conspiracy theories of intelligence organizations" allegedly "conspiring against them,” and that elected officials would “torture our children, they'll torture some of our people here, they'll torture our seniors."

But most horrific of all was the possibility that “hostile forces would convert captured children to fascism.” As Tea Party leader Michele Bachmann was quoted as saying while taking her final sip, "the ones that they take captured, they're gonna just let them grow up and be dummies." (Quotes taken from Jim Jones' transcripts.)

That heady brew of cyanide-laced, grape-cola Tea was served by almost everyone in power; even original ‘Mad Hatter' Ron Paul. The result: an entire country was roofied. This can be the only sane response to Matt Taibbi's existential question: “So how does a group of billionaire businessmen and corporations get a bunch of broke Middle American white people to lobby for lower taxes for the rich and deregulation of Wall Street?”

It's the Tea, stupid. Drink up.

Now that the special tea is starting to wear off, the carnage on the ground is staggering. Those most affected by the toxic brew are the usual suspects: the poor, needy children, our Vets, the ill, elderly, homeless, and all other undesirables. But the carnage has now struck the supermajority of people and their nation. After all the laced koolaid in the tea, this month our S&P rating went from “Top of the Empire” to “Bit of a Loser.”

Some lucky few are waking to the fact that they've been downgraded to Moody & Poor as “collateral damage.” Of these, many now feel dirty for being sodomized by big interests who refuse to pay taxes or call them in the morning. Millions more have simply given up and are playing dead; very proactive on their part.

This may explain why an August 4th rally of the St. Louis Tea Party was cancelled after only two people offered to attend. It is presumed that all  other former tea-drinkers in St. Louis had either already died or were home going through ‘Special Tea' withdrawal symptoms.

Still, some revelers remain under the narcotic influences of this Tea, and claim that by putting the entire burden on the people instead of corporate moguls, 'mack-daddies' will bring all manner of factories, jobs, and candy back to the US where people refuse to work for pennies a day. Still others are quite content at the outcome, as they've been starved of entertainment and hunger for Armageddon to begin already. For them, Glenn Beck keeps pouring more Tea.

For the rest, this is our final Tea Party.

And now a word from our corporate sponsors: Please die responsibly.