Early (Valentine's Day Challenge)
As Brenda stepped out along in the air the morning cold was clear as her ice-trees shimmered.
Despite last night's storm she cleared the gray-stone steps of the butcher shop just fine. There was no slip, no fall, nothing at all remarkable in the scene as her squat legs; her arms loaded down with pig's knuckles carried her along, wrapped in an old wool coat, to her warm abode. It was in the ambiguity of her heart that she carried her burden though she knew that Johnny Dunn would be there, asleep. Waiting, agrog in their bed, him got back only a few hours off work at the salt mine shaft, the nightcap of bourbons with his workmates not as yet off worn.
But the least from her purse they would have a fine meal on this Valentine's afternoon.
Maybe, just maybe there would be yellow sun. Birds at her small feeder twittered. Beside her door there was a black squirrel in the dogwood she saw scratched his armpit. Neither bone nor this stiff paper would be wasted.
She could have wanted so much more than the radio played old timey or with the electric bill paid up with Johnny him a steady job, chocolate hearts, roses a card, his love, a child. It was nice now they had water though on these cold cold nights the toilet froze.
Inside and unwrapped she stoked the wood stove and put up a perk of coffee. He rustled. Brenda heard Johnny fumble in the bedroom, too early, “He should stay down longer,” she said to the calico cat intent on her white paper wrapped packages.
“Hey darlin' love here,” Johnny said from where he stood at the door, “I brought you a little somethin'.”
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Author's Note
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I love the twisting of words that so wonderfully suit this pair. Lovely!
I like the writing here, Gabriel. "Inside and unwrapped she stoked the wood stove and put up a perk of coffee. He rustled." Good piece.
complex and human, Gabriel.
lovely, and so fitting to this long cold winter season:
"Maybe, just maybe there would be yellow sun."
(+ i just added a valentine tag to your story, too)
Such a compelling narrator, great voice! Loved all the country details, the steps, squirrel, and the way she expressed her needs and delights. Felt very pulled in to this. Also terrific last paragraph. Lovely work!
excellent and just twisted enough but not overwound. really enjoyed reading this and want to read more about this bloody couple.
Stylistic homerun here. I read through once and then went straight back and had a second helping. I've often had to do this with work that has a different stylistic approach or voice. As I expected, the second time through I saw the wonderful invention of language and phrasing at play here. So very good.
"Maybe, just maybe there would be yellow sun." WOW.
Some great lines and a wonderful setting to hang them on.
I thank everyone for the kind comments. I have been a bit distracted in responding.
While I was writing this a squirrel at the bird feeder right outside the window of my writing area, meaning the squirrel was behind the glass about three feet away, popped up and scratched under his front arm.
I wanted to work in that Brenda would later make very delicate paper lace cuttings from the butcher paper of the birds and the squirrel and then tack them up on her walls.
This work has a great, unique voice from start to finish. The exceptional opening line sets this up well. There are many great details that bring these character and their world to life.