Motorized Elderly Armageddon

by Erin Zulkoski

The more I think about it, the more I love motorized scooters. 

But I hate the commercials that feature them.  All those smug old people, tooling around in their bitchin' new rides, going three miles an hour on the sidewalk.  This is yet another reason why I hate old people.  Isn't it bad enough that they're old?  Do they really need to go around, bragging that they don't have use their cursed legs anymore?  Fucking elderly sons of bitches. 

Oooh, look at me!  I'm old!  I don't use my legs to get around anymore!  When I die, my children won't have enough money to bury me because I rode on a scooter!  I get to ride my scooter in Heaven! 

But Granpa Billy, when you die and go to Heaven, aren't you made perfect again and free from all earthly strife?  Why do you still get to ride your scooter?  Shouldn't you be able to walk around without difficulty?

Shut up, you ungreatful little brat!  I fought in World War II!  I have Nazi shrapnel in my ass!  I deserve this scooter just like I deserved to kill all those goddammed German pigs!  How dare you tell me what I can and cannot do, you little bastard! 

Granpa Billy, stop being mean to me!

Stop your crying, you little nancy boy, or I'll get up out of the scooter and give you something to cry about!

Granpa Billy, I hate you!  I hope you die!

Well, well, that's what all those fucking Nazi's said to me as I held the muzzle of my AK 47 against their coward foreheads, but look at me now, son!  I'm stronger than ever with my motorized scooter!  I am king of the world!  Now shut up and go get me my blanket and cover up my shriveled old man legs! 


Old people are so wrinkly because they are soaked in evil.