Pleasure Your Woman the Papal Appliance Way

In the 20th century, what contributed most to the emancipation of western women? Some say it was the Pill. Others go even further: the washing machine.

                                       L'Osservatore Romano, Vatican daily newspaper

 
"I don't know what it is . . . chicks dig big appliances."

THE PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: POPE BENEDICT XVI

Pope Benedict XVI's five-year reign has been marked by a succession of ground-breaking initiatives: the revival of forgotten papal fashion accessories such as the camauro, or "Santa Hat"; the renewal of interest in scholarly inquiry; and the willingness to piss off other world religions on an equal-opportunity basis.  We caught up with the man who is known on the streets of Rome as the "Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith" (whew!) to talk with him about his latest project; a quest for the answer to that age-old question, "What do women want?"

Pope Benedict XVI, wearing camauro:  "I got it on sale!"

Playboy:  Pope . . .

Pope:  Please--call me "Your Holiness" . . .

Playboy:  The Vatican daily newspaper recently took the position that it was the washing machine, more than any innovation including the birth control pill, that played the greatest role in the liberation of women.  Who did the research for that article?

Pope:  We polled the faithful.  You know, next to the American Automobile Association, we're the world's largest membership organization.  You should see our mailing list!

"In St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he mentions these rich, Corinthian leather seats."

Playboy:  Is that really a representative sample?

Pope:  Sure--they're not allowed to use the pill, so it's no wonder the washing machine won.

Playboy:  Of course, some people say . . .

Pope:  Who are these "some people"?

Playboy:  That's an interviewer's trick--saves research time.  Some people say, "The Pope--he no playa the game, he no make-a the rules."  What do you say to those people?

Pope:  I say lose the bogus Italian accent.  I'm German, capiche?

Playboy:  Still, it's hard to understand how someone who took a vow of celibacy can claim to know the minds of women.

Pope:  Who died and left you boss?  Do you know what sound a woman makes when she's totally and completely satisfied?

Playboy:  No.

Pope:  I didn't think so.  Ha--gotcha!

Playboy:  Very funny.  Seriously, though--appliances?

Pope:  It shows how ignorant your typical writer for a men's magazine read primarily by teenage boys can be.  You must treat every woman as if she is a customer at a major appliance store.   

Playboy:  We'll suspend disbelief for just a moment.

Pope:  You start out small, wooing her with countertop appliances such as the Dough-Nu-Matic Donut Maker.

Playboy:  I can see how that would be better than nibbling her earlobe first thing.

Pope:  Precisely--it's non-threatening, and fun!  Everybody loves donuts!

Playboy:  Then what?

Pope:  You want to hustle down to second base with the Kitchen Magician by Popeil.

Playboy:  The 8-piece multi-grater that slices, dices, chops and shreds?

Pope:  As seen on cable TV--that's the one.

Playboy:  What are the telltale signs that your woman is getting hot at this point?

Pope:  She'll typically start to moan, and to clasp her legs tightly around you, like a cat hanging on to a tree trunk.

Playboy:  Sounds good.  Then what?

Pope:  You want to round second and head for third with the Hoky Floor and Carpet Sweeper.

Playboy:  It comes in red, black and midnight blue--what color is most conducive for a night of wild, freaky sex?

Pope:  Red is the color of passion, my son.

Playboy:  Okay, rounding third, heading for home--we're looking to score now.  You say a washing machine's the big turn-on?

Pope:  Precisely.  It's the Big Bang, the thing that makes the earth move for your typical desperate housewife.

Playboy:  Front or top-loading?

Pope:  Keep it clean--the top-loader is the missionary position of white-goods appliances.

Playboy:  What about the G-spot?

Pope:  Go for the A-spot, as in "appliances".  And for God's sake, get the extended warranty!

Playboy:  Thanks for your advice.

Pope:  No problem.  You look like you need it.