In Which My Girl Hits Me With Various Big-Ticket Appliances

by Con Chapman

(prefatory notes towards an absurdist doo-wop song)

My girl hit me with an ice cream freezer.
She did it ‘cause she said she didn't want me to tease her.
It was one of those kind you use to hand-crank ice cream,
But when it hit my head you know it caused me to scream.
By the way, this happened in Misquamicut, Rhode Island,
While we were in the guest room getting rotary-fanned.

My girl hit me with a washer-dryer.
I coulda turned her in but they'd a called me a liar.
“How can you be hit with a big-ticket appliance
That's passed Consumer Products Safety compliance?”
By the way this happened somewhere in Massachusetts,
But precisely where you know I couldn't give more than two shits.

My girl hit me with a window air conditioner.
As soon as I came to I called the po-lice commissioner.
He said “I'll take your statement but I'm gonna need some evidence,
And also name and number and the address of your residence.”
By the way this happened in Lee's Summit, Missouri.
It didn't get reported by Edward R. Murrow.