THE CAPTION CHANGES BUT THE PICTURE STAYS THE SAME
by Bobbi Lurie
When he leaves her
The weather is glorious of course
Unblinking sunshine
He walks away
She touches the edge of his sleeve I touch his sleeve
Black jacket flung over his shoulder Black jacket over his shoulder
She is not a beautiful Buddhist
The sound of crickets pisses her off
Fragment of a dream scene comes back to her
As she writes this a veil lifts:
To move forward into words is to accept the sentence
Disconsolate
Wild elsewhere
As if . . .
Green rectangles of grass
Separate her from her neighbors
She walks the sidewalks of separateness
The Freudians were right
So were the spiritual teachers whose feet she kissed
Tattletale
Hateful
Kissing up to the authorities
God's eyes are hidden in the face of man
Too many layers to our relationship now
I present you with ideas instead of my hand
All ideas are seedy in themselves
And the heart, ungenerous, is a trigger for tragedy
Now is not a doctrine
No words can touch the rim of this city
Shrouded in leaf fragrance
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Author's Note
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Other stories by Bobbi Lurie
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Lots of strong bits here. It doesn't quite cohere for me as a poem, but I'm intrigued by so many of the images and lines that maybe that's enough.
I also think the first part can stand by itself. "To move forward into words is to accept the sentence" is a wonderful way to end a poem.
Add a comma to this line for clarity:
As she writes this a veil lifts
[As she writes this, a veil lifts]
"Wild elsewhere" is, in my opinion, a very good title for this piece. [Great title for a volume of poems too!]
Bill, thank you so much for reading my work and for taking so much time with it. I really appreciate it, especially after reading "Blossoms and Buds"--I shall think carefully on all you have written--my respect for your work makes that imperative.
Thank you again.
Oh I totally LOVE THIS POEM
*
Thank you, Susan!
The form resonates with me, Bobbi, in a strong way. I like every thing about this poem. Especially the friction in the piece - which works because of the form -
"She is not a beautiful Buddhist
The sound of crickets pisses her off"
and
"God's eyes are hidden in the face of man"
and
"I present you with ideas instead of my hand"
and
"Now is not a doctrine"
I really like the closing here - "Shrouded in leaf fragrance"
I don't know if this is you're best work, but if not, it will determine what is. Great piece.
Dear Sam,
Thank you so much!
I appreciate all the details you pointed out.
Thank you.
Good lines: "She is not a beautiful Buddhist
The sound of crickets pisses her off."
"God's eyes are hidden in the face of man"
Nice work.
Thank you, Matthew.
She is not a beautiful Buddhist.. To move forward into words is to accept the sentence..the heart, ungenerous, is a trigger for tragedy..Now is not a doctrine. These moved me.
Dear Darren,
Thank you so much!
"And the heart, ungenerous, is a trigger for tragedy" - is the part that got me the most among all this wonderful phrasing. They do seem connected very well in my reading of this (my caption?)
Excellant
Thank you so much, Walter.
This is beautiful from beginning to end. A splendid arrangement of words, flooded with emotion.