The Love Story of Me (non-fiction and should be disqualified)

Robert J. Eckstein, Esq.OBJECTIVE
To find myself in a straight relationship which challenges my communications skills and tries my patience while improving my status among my peers and family.

SKILLS
Well-versed in the arts, pop culture minutia and unhealthy relationships. Outstanding in second-guessing. Proficient in Quark, InDesign & QuickBooks. Familiar with commitment. Excellant speller. Sincerity, integrity and spontaneity, not necessarily in that order.

EXPERIENCE
Personal Assistant 1990 —1993

• Played second fiddle to Kim, a second-rate model slash psychopath
• In charge of all her emotional needs, both real and perceived, while providing her a positive cash flow and utilities
• Attended her dysfunctional family functions
• Got message through my thick skull but elected to get involved in a similar opportunity.

Doormat 1994 — 1997

• Involved with a stand-up comedian for the longest two and half years of my life; handling a colossal ego while managing not to kill myself
• Duties included traveling to all media events, listening to the same routine endlessly and pretending to laugh at jokes both funny and not
• Stayed in denial 24/7
• Managed all personal meltdowns, tantrums and sexual hang-ups

Philanderer 1997 — 2001

• Established liaisons with a multitude of neurotic New Yorkers
• Continue to not have a clue what women want
• Successfully depleted my resources on listless dinners, scalped theater tickets and multiple gym memberships

Opportunist 2001-2002

• Reunited with an enemy of mine from back in art school over twelve years ago at a mutual friend's funeral
• Tammy seems to hate me less at his junction and initiates first contact
• Both of us are recruited by our friend's parents to curate a memorial art show of their daughter, Betsy's work

Boy With a Problem 2002 — 2003

• Worked closely with Tammy and developed a rapport
• Find myself falling in love with her
• Helped her on weekends driving meals to existing homeless
• Duly noted, she is a saint and I'm torn up inside because she's gay

Pathetic Mushpot 2003 SPRING

• Establish the fact she's not gay, just hates men
• Launch a campaign of unsuccessful wooing and requests for a date

Facilitator/Visionary 2003 FALL

• Negotiations finally yield a positive response; Tammy agrees to meet me in a social environment
• Through discussion, find out that our late friend wanted to fix us up; we deduce that our initials spell out BETS, the way Betsy signed her name on her artwork
• A merger is outlined when I learn that Tammy is in love with me, prompting an immediate break-up with my skank DJ girlfriend

Groom 2003 WINTER

• Produce and send hand-made postcards from the Arctic Circle announcing our elopement in Iceland. Supervised and participated in a honeymoon in Paris
• Deal with and manage subsequent shock from family and friends

Husband 2004  Present

• Plan to change completely
• Responsibilities include being a good listener, not to screw up and making her laugh each day