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The Love Story of Me (non-fiction and should be disqualified)


by Bob Eckstein


Robert J. Eckstein, Esq.OBJECTIVE
To find myself in a straight relationship which challenges my communications skills and tries my patience while improving my status among my peers and family.

SKILLS
Well-versed in the arts, pop culture minutia and unhealthy relationships. Outstanding in second-guessing. Proficient in Quark, InDesign & QuickBooks. Familiar with commitment. Excellant speller. Sincerity, integrity and spontaneity, not necessarily in that order.

EXPERIENCE
Personal Assistant 1990 —1993
  • Played second fiddle to Kim, a second-rate model slash psychopath
  • In charge of all her emotional needs, both real and perceived, while providing her a positive cash flow and utilities
  • Attended her dysfunctional family functions
  • Got message through my thick skull but elected to get involved in a similar opportunity.
Doormat 1994 — 1997
  • Involved with a stand-up comedian for the longest two and half years of my life; handling a colossal ego while managing not to kill myself
  • Duties included traveling to all media events, listening to the same routine endlessly and pretending to laugh at jokes both funny and not
  • Stayed in denial 24/7
  • Managed all personal meltdowns, tantrums and sexual hang-ups
Philanderer 1997 — 2001
  • Established liaisons with a multitude of neurotic New Yorkers
  • Continue to not have a clue what women want
  • Successfully depleted my resources on listless dinners, scalped theater tickets¬†and multiple gym memberships
Opportunist 2001-2002
  • Reunited with an enemy of mine from back in art school over twelve years ago at a mutual friend's funeral
  • Tammy seems to hate me less at his junction and initiates first contact
  • Both of us are recruited by our friend's parents to curate a memorial art show of their daughter, Betsy's work
Boy With a Problem 2002 — 2003
  • Worked closely with Tammy and developed a rapport
  • Find myself falling in love with her
  • Helped her on weekends driving meals to existing homeless
  • Duly noted, she is a saint and I'm torn up inside because she's gay
Pathetic Mushpot 2003 SPRING
  • Establish the fact she's not gay, just hates men
  • Launch a campaign of unsuccessful wooing and requests for a date
Facilitator/Visionary 2003 FALL
  • Negotiations finally yield a positive response; Tammy agrees to meet me in a social environment
  • Through discussion, find out that our late friend wanted to fix us up; we deduce that our initials spell out BETS, the way Betsy signed her name on her artwork
  • A merger is outlined when I learn that Tammy is in love with me, prompting an immediate break-up with my skank DJ girlfriend
Groom 2003 WINTER
  • Produce and send hand-made postcards from the Arctic Circle announcing our elopement in Iceland. Supervised and participated in a honeymoon in Paris
  • Deal with and manage subsequent shock from family and friends
Husband 2004  Present
  • Plan to change completely
  • Responsibilities include being a good listener, not to screw up and making her laugh each day

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