by Arun
Tanu took her tray from the counter and sat near the window. She could smell the cookies even though they were still inside the bag. She tore the bag open and smelt them again. Then she took a cookie and licked it; it was warm and the chocolate flavor dripped into her mouth.
CRASH! A man wearing a dark green coat closed the door. Tanu sat up straight, and stared at him. He looked around till he found her face and sat down in front of her.
He smiled, but she kept staring back at him. He then took her cookie and dug his teeth into it.
“It's delicious” he mumbled and spat a few crumbs as he relished it. And, when he finished eating it, he looked up and stared at her and said “You should come with me”.
The man stood up, held her by her wrist and pulled her till she got up and started walking with him.
They ran out into the rain, covering their heads with their hands, as lightning flashed. They kept going as the raindrops stung their eyes. After they went past the parking space, she saw him going towards a lone car, a black Mercedes. He went in first and she got into through the opposite door.
He laughed, and after looking at her drenched clothes, he laughed even harder.
He was taking his coat off and she helped him pull off the drenched coat, as rain drops were pattering on the windows.
Thunder rumbled outside, and Tanu's heart pounded harder. She felt fire inside.
He was sweating and stammered something incomprehensible. He leaned in, Tanu hesitated for a second. Then, she took her mouth close to his and smiled.
He put his hand on her neck, played with the hair on her back and wiggled her ears.
She took her palm to his side, felt his drenched body, slid out the revolver from the holster and shot him between his eyes. “You stole my goddamn cookie!” she yelled.
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Don't hesitate to offer your criticism.
It will help me a lot.
beginning of para 2 - don't think you need "loudly"
"Thunder rumbled outside, and Tanu's heart pounded harder. He had drunken eyes." This "he" pronoun threw me and technically refers to Tanu - which confused me as Tanu is a she so I'd just put the "she felt fire" before "he had drunken eyes"
in terms of the story, i'm not sure about the character's motivation in going with this guy; i'd look at maybe a bit more internal pov for her so we get the motivation.
the last line is funny
thanks a lot David :)
I don't think i can revive this story without starting over again. Can I?
definitely you can! i'd just tweak it a bit during revisions. often during my "revisions" everything is gutted except a line or two...but i never consider it starting over again, just revisions! :)