Time Travel Telephone

by A.G. Pasquella

Weather Report: Precambrian


It's an overcast day here in the Precambrian.  Conditions are cloudy with a chance of lava.  The air remains carbon heavy and unable to support human life but oxygen levels are slowly increasing.  Keep your eye on the sky:  there's a 65% chance of a meteor bombardment.  If you're going for a stroll around the Precambrian, we recommend you bring an oxygen tank and a very strong umbrella.


Weather Report:  5096
And now, the weather.  The Cloud Wranglers have roped three solid clouds this morning, preventing the clouds from raining iron bars onto Human Brain Storage Center #17. Radiation levels continue to increase, so if you're sending your Robot Body outside, be sure to have your radiation shields firmly attached.  All School Pods have been grounded due to excess carbon dioxide-- stay inside and keep your breathing mask on tight!


Financial Report:  Great Zither-Clown Dynasty
Welcome to another trading day!  Swapping lutes for zithers continues to pay off:  the price of Zithers is on the rise.  This morning Herman's Zither String Emporium has just had the most successful IPO in financial history, rising from twenty-five cents a share all the way to eight hundred dollars a share, giving Herman's Zither String Emporium a combined value of Eighty Billion Dollars.  In other news, the world-wide custard storage continues to impact pie prices.  Finally, pie hoarding is paying off!


Fashion:  Great Zither-Clown Dynasty


We're here at the Milan Winter Clown Fashion Fair to bring you all the latest trends.  This season, plain old white face makeup is out and bold new off-white face makeup is in!  The great ‘frizzy wigs versus funny hats' debate continues to rage.  We say, why not both?  In other fashion news, Red Rubber Nose circumference continues to shrink.  Some trend watchers we've spoken to expect a return to the robust clown noses of the early 3000s during the fall season.  Retro Floppy Clown Shoes are in for spring!