by experimentalist,
Adam of Robinson;
also Technology Buyer;
of Baltimore, MD;
formerly of Milwaukee, WI;
NOT the author of L-SAT prep manuals;
(& on)
ME: I had an insane dog who followed me from room to room, stared at me with love, bit the faces of children, and died.
HOLMES: His dog barked through the 4th of July so loud we almost fell out of the boat trying to watch the firecrackers. His dog bit him in the face then.
DMITRI:
I liked his dog
She was great at fetch
Which helped a lot
As I was bad at catch
WOMAN, DURING DAYS OF OUR LIVES COMMERCIALS: Well . . . I hafta agree — that's an impossible situation for the man, but it's nobody's fawlt. He does need to be considerate of his wife, who probably, less be honest, doesn't even care if he slips out to the bar or whatnot, she could prolly use some alone time herself, but come the day he don't ask her permission, whatever — what? Oh, he had a beautiful dog that really loved him. I always thought there was something weird about the dog, though, the way it sat at his feet and stared.
ME:
I wrote a poem, an anagram, for her:
Time
Holds
Ultimately
Nothing
Dear
Except
Reunion
Actually, I wrote dozens of them. That's one I remember.
STEPHANIE: My cat is just a little baby!
BARB: I was always more interested in boys that act like puppies, you know, who came loping up and you pet them a little and they're ever-faithful, hopeless, smitten. So when he got his own dog I wasn't impressed. I figured he would be clueless about taking care of it.
ALLISON: When we picked her up at the humane society, next to her cage there was another dog, a thick-set husky with ground effects and a bandana looped around her neck. Her name was Apple, and we joked that Apple was a lesbian and then we broke up and he moved and I hate him and he called me when his dog died and I hate him for that.
ME: Here, I wrote this poem, "Laps Like a Little Dog" --
on a spring day and dog walkers
we roll and cherish
of understanding like Laska's —
ended, unbegun
STEPHANIE: When his dog died he wept in bed for days. At the vet they let you hold your dead pet's remains, all floppy, and later that's the only thing you remember — the way the neck gave no support and the head drooped over your arm like you imagine and imagine and your muscles.
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This is the expanded version of my story posted here, "BITTER LOVE STORY."
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Quite different! And why did you want to condense and lose this structure? I really like this one, too.
yeah, what up with that? what kath said? the other one is good, i guess this is the original?, but this is the better, the way better.
I think so too, JY.
I can't think how to describe this. I think it's sublime or something. The structure is almost geometric. The poem is beautiful, as is Stephanie's closing-- " the way the neck gave no support and the head drooped over your arm like you imagine and imagine and your muscles."-- I love this. I can't compare it to the other, really.
this is great, adam, and i'm not being backslappy
the anagram biz got me
the various pov's reminded me of an adam haslett story i was just re-reading.
this is really good
I love what you're doing here. This is truly intriguing. These are both fantastic versions. What I think would be great would be publishing these both side by side, perhaps (or not) with some commentary about the choices you made in paring this down to the second version. Has this been published yet?
I'm with Kath and Joe: this moves me so much more than the pared-down version. I was wary of the structure at first--I thought it'd be like reading a play, which is fine, but can often be kinda gimmicky feeling in a piece this short. But it absolutely works here. And there's something extra-poignant about having someone other than the narrator speaking the last line about the head drooping (and oh, that kills me, and makes me remember my own vet trip).
Well, this is good feedback, dudes. I made the cuts based on a recommendation from a trusted editor. And, to be honest, I added the attributions right before adding them here, so he wasn't editing from this exact version, which might make more sense.
Thank you very much for the workshop. As this is part of a short story manuscript I just put together, I will gratefully accept your input and reinsert the whole thing.
And Dave, isn't that vet trip the worst? So poignant.
THERE ARE MANY MOMENTS HERE FOR ME THAT WORK WITHOUT TRYING but I was starting to feel a little lost in the shuffle. It's the kind of thing one needs to repeat to get the full effect. The ending gets me of course as I remember my own pet's questions about where we were going and why--it's all in the eyes, and sometimes the ears or whole head movement--when everything else is not working properly. Also thoroughly enjoyed the anagram.Much to like, much to ponder.