Forum / One Man Tries To Help Another In Front Of A Packed Royal Albert Hall

• 
  Chris Okum

  Oct 11, 08:21pm

  "Hello."
  "Hello."
  "I'd like to help you."
  "Please do."
  "What seems to be the problem?"
  "I live at home with my mother."
  "There's nothing inherently wrong with that."
  "I'm in between jobs."
  "It happens."
  "I don't feel like myself."
  "I don't know who does."
  "What time is it?"
  "Half past noon."
  "And I am very attracted to you."
  "Thank you..."
  "Bill."
  "Bill. Jack. Nice to meet you."
  "Yes, now that you've agreed to help me I think I may have a slight crush."
  "You've made some people in the audience very uncomfortable."
  "I have?"
  "I can see some of them are shifting in their seats."
  "Well, then they'll just have to shift."
  "It doesn't make me uncomfortable."
  "Do you find me attractive?"
  "No, I do not."
  "That may be a problem."
  "How so?"
  "If you don't find me attractive then I don't know how you can help me."
  "Well, what seems to be the problem, Bill."
  "I cannot seem to make lasting connections with people."
  "Yes, I can see how that might be interpreted as a problem."
  "There is me and then there is the rest of the world."
  "That's no good."
  "Do you ever feel that way?"
  "No, I don't. I feel that I am a part of the rest of the world, not separated from it."
  "That's my problem."
  "Well, it would seem to me that you need to integrate yourself, as they say."
  "I don't want to."
  "Then there's your problem."
  "Because I don't know how."
  "That's another problem."
  "I have lots of problems."
  "It would appear so."
  "Would you have a drink with me, Jack?"
  "Of course."
  "Right now?"
  "Right here? On stage? In front of all these people?"
  "I never go anywhere without my miniature bottles of Cutty Sark."
  "Look at that. Would you consider this another one of your problems?"
  "Perhaps."
  "Yes, yes, perhaps that is a problem."
  "Nothing we can do about it now."
  "You are correct."
  "Here you go."
  "Thank you."
  "My pleasure."
  "Cheers."
  "Cheers."
  "Should we offer some to the audience?"
  "There's not enough."
  "The gesture would be nice though."
  "I'd rather not."
  "It might help to bridge the gap, as they say."
  "Just drink with me."
  "Would that help?"
  "Maybe. I don't know."
  "How can we fix your problems?"
  "You could love me."
  "But I'm afraid I don't really know you."
  "Does that preclude you from loving me?"
  "It does."
  "I understand."
  "I'd like to help you."
  "And I don't like football."
  "Now that is a problem."
  "As a matter of fact, I loathe it."
  "Are you asking me to strike you?"
  "No."
  "That's what it sounds like."
  "Would you like to strike me?"
  "Yes."
  "Hard?"
  "Very hard."
  "I don't think I would like that. Or maybe I would."
  "It makes no difference to me whether you would like it or not. The fact of the matter is that when you say you loathe football it makes me want to strike you."
  "I wonder if the audience would like to see that."
  "I think they would."
  "I don't think the audience likes me very much."
  "Why would they?"
  "I live with my mother."
  "You do."
  "I'm unemployed."
  "You are."
  "And I loathe football."
  "Those are most definitely your problems."
  "Plus I have another problem."
  "Pray tell?"
  "You don't seem like you want to help me anymore."
  "I do not."
  "Well, then. Good-bye."
  "Good-bye."

• 
  Barry Friesen

  Oct 12, 01:49am

  Edward Albee would have loved you, Chris.

  Oh. Neither killed the other.

  Samuel Beckett would have loved you, Chris.

• 
  Mathew Paust

  Oct 17, 03:00pm

  So would Ionesco. Dick Butkus, not so much.

• 
  Barry Friesen

  Oct 17, 08:15pm

  Pretty sure that "football" is Okumese for "bald soprano."

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