Forum / Flash Fiction (803 words)

• 
  mxi wodd

  Jul 04, 08:26pm

  Saying they had heard each one of his anecdotes “a thousand times,” local siblings Lindsay, Alex, and Danielle Curtis told reporters Monday they were tired of listening to their father repeat the same boring stories about his skillful, selfless lovemaking.

  “I honestly don’t know if I can sit through another one of Dad’s lame stories about bringing Mom to unimaginable sexual euphoria,” said eldest child Lindsay Curtis, 18, explaining that her 47-year-old father “goes on and on like a broken record” with tales of his erotic expertise and generosity. “That story about Dad repeatedly pleasuring Mom on their honeymoon, or in that hotel shower in Florida, or during that power outage in 1995 might have been interesting back when we were little kids and heard them the first time, but now they’re just getting old.”

  “You can only listen to so many stories about Mom’s wild, full-body orgasms before you get completely sick of them,” she continued. “It’s like, ‘We get it, Dad—you’re sensuous and nurturing in the bedroom.’ God, give it a rest already.”

  The three teenagers claimed that normal conversational details and offhand comments oftentimes reminded their father of one of his cherished carnal memories, prompting him to launch into well-worn recollections about a particular all-night cunnilingus session in the autumn of 2000, his deft fingering of their mother at the local movie theater while watching the 1992 film Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or one notable instance on a cruise when he continuously stimulated her G-spot through vigorous intercourse from behind.

  Moreover, the Curtis children expressed their wish that the family could make it through just one meal together without their father reminiscing about one of the numerous times he performed foreplay so adeptly that their mother climaxed as soon as he entered her.

  “Dad just loves telling the story about the first time he met Mom, and how they immediately hit it off, and how she had the first multiple orgasms of her life that night, but now every time he starts in with it, I just sigh and think, ‘Here we go again,’” said 15-year-old Alex Curtis. “You have no idea how many times he’s repeated the same line about his feather-light kisses up Mom’s inner thigh, and the one about delicately parting her labia and rapidly fluttering his tongue over her clitoris. It just drags on forever.”

  “By the time he gets to the point in the story where Mom’s screaming his name and arching her back in ecstasy, we’re all just bored out of our minds,” he added.

  According to the Curtis children, their dad has told one particular story about a vacation to a ski resort in 1991 so often that each of them said they could recount in detail every last probe of their father’s fingertips, phrase of dirty talk, and sexual position he performed over the course of the entire weekend.

  “It seems like whenever we’re riding in the car or out at a restaurant together, Dad will say to us, ‘Did I ever tell you kids about that time I got your mother off through nipple stimulation alone?’ and we all just groan and roll our eyes,” said youngest daughter Danielle Curtis, 13. “When he gets to the end, all of us chime in at the same time and say, ‘Your mother came so loud that the neighbors woke up and turned their lights on.’ Jeez, you’d think he’d get the hint by now.”

  In addition to their growing exasperation, the teens said they feel embarrassed by their father every time they bring friends home after school or whenever the family has houseguests. According to the children, their dad will “talk their ear off” with story after story about he and his wife’s frequent professor-student role play or their experimentation with dominance and submission in the early 2000s.

  Eldest daughter Lindsay Curtis admitted that, each time her father launches into another of his old tales, she always mentally urges him to speed up and get to the part where her mother is left quivering, flushed, and splayed on the bed, so that she can finally change the subject.

  “They’re nice stories, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just tiring to hear every single day about how Dad leaves Mom begging for his deep, skillful penetration,” Lindsay said. “Though, I guess at this point, Dad’s stories are such a part of my life that I wouldn’t be that surprised if I end up missing them a little when I move out.”

  “And honestly,” she continued, “I’m going to have kids of my own one day, and I think it might actually be kind of sweet to hear Dad tell them their first story about how he went down on their grandmother for over an hour right there on the floor of our family room.”

• 
  Ann Bogle

  Jul 04, 11:47pm

  Move it, baby! Give it its own space! Give it a chance on the main page. What, you think it's too long for the main page?

  Funniest thing I read all day, maybe this week. In fact, yes, funniest thing I read in July and at least half of June. Dan Harris's Ringlet 2 was pretty fuckin' funny, too, you can read it, it's here at Fictionaut. Ringlet the Trilogy. I do not know what day I read Ringlet 2, but that was fuckin' funny, and so is this no-name Flash Fiction by Matt. *

• 
  mxi wodd

  Jul 05, 12:24am

  Oh! I'm so sorry Ann if I gave the impression I wrote this! I believe this is the third thing I've posted from The Onion website over the past few years.

  http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-tired-of-hearing-boring-stories-about-how-fat,33025/

  I think they have incredible writers there.

• 
  mxi wodd

  Jul 05, 12:25am

  (I figured it's so well-written that it would be obvious I didn't write it...)

• 
  Sally Houtman

  Jul 05, 02:30am

  Stimulating.

• Frankie Saxx

  Jul 05, 09:10am

  I thought that read like The Onion. (America's finest news source.)

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