Zig Zag
Jerry tries to be funny saying, I think Charlie Brown should kick Lucy in the head when she pulls the ball away; either that or they start making out. Ewww, but they're both eight years old, Sandra says biting her lip, tying off her smile. Jerry won't focus on her faults, her pinned eyes, her slurred speech, the bruises on her arms. If you think I'm funny now, he says, what about the weekend? This time her smile is bright, as if someone replaced the forty watt bulb in her mouth with a floodlight that's shining on his uniquely patterned pullover shirt. I'm sorry, I'm doing stuff, she says.
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Other stories by Timothy Gager
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Well done capturing this flirt/rejection moment like a National Geographic snap shot.
"Jerry won't focus on her faults, her pinned eyes, her slurred speech, the bruises on her arms."
If ever a life has been captured so fully in so few words...I'd like to see it.
So far, all nice! Thanks Andrew and David. Thanks for the invite as well.
Enjoy how playful and smart this is. From start to finish there's a lot going on that works well. It's got that flicker of a moment thing that good flash has.
One suggestion:
I'd think about cutting -- "...that's shining on his uniquely patterned pullover shirt." End that sentence with "floodlight."
My reasoning is that one, it pushes the Charlie Brown thing more than is maybe needed as you've established it pretty well by that point with the double-working title and first reference and two, it's a bit clunky. I didn't realize this until I read the piece a second time aloud.
Other than that, I'm about to climb back to the top and fav the hell out of this one.
Thanks Sheldon.
Wow. Love this. I am so jealous when people can write this short and still make it feel so complete. God, this is great.
And by the way, I agree with him. Charlie should kick her right in the head.
My original last line had something to that extent.
intense, love the whole Charlie Brown/Lucy dialogue
"tying off her smile" - awesome
wow perfectly incapsulated rejection.
agree with Sheldon. Then I lose the fact that the Charlie Brown/Lucy dialogue was a conversation starter and I lose hold of Jerry and Sandra as separate entities.
Sheldon's edit brings out the false smile so that I can actually feel the floodlight.
other than that it's good to go