A Bitter And Unseasoned Business Attorney Makes His Case That "Crazy Heart" Is The Perfectly Nasty Ending

by Samuel Peter North

In closing, Your Honor:

After the interview Bad Blake, a/k/a "Otis" takes "Miss" Jane Craddock back to his hotel, ties her up, and gives her a Cleveland Steamer.  For reference, please refer to my Brief, Exhibit A, showing a thespian named Ronald Jeremy defecating on the chest of the now deceased Seka. 

In the alternative, even assuming arguendo "Missy" Craddock refuses to go to the hotel, I ask the Court to inquire whether, in light of previous events, it isn't ironic as hell, that "Missy" Craddock leaves poor Buddy alone in the bus while she slithers up and cloyingly utters "Mr. Blake."  While I won't put Your Honor on the spot, we can all take judicial notice that you, Judge Gardner, are a badass who could have anyone's wife, certainly mine.  We all know that if a lady like Ms. Walters to my right walks up to you and says "Mr. Gardner?" she is going to be on her knees within 45 minutes, either in chambers or in Your Honor's BMW 745.  I ask, who the fuck is watching Buddy in the bus while she starts getting herself worked into a slather. 

In the alternative, even assuming arguendo Missy has someone responsible watching Buddy, Mr. Blake never signs the check to Buddy.  Wait until poor Buddy, 18 and still traumatized from being left not once in a mall but again in a bus while Mommy blows cum bubbles in some hotel, tries to cash an unsigned check.

In the alternative, even assuming arguendo that Mr. Blake signs the check "off screen," by the time poor Buddy (now "four") tries to cash that check on his eighteenth birthday it will have been void for about 5000 days.  BURN! 

In closing, and before Ms. Walters embarrasses us all with her horrifying arguments, the only reasonable conclusion is that Mr. Blake gave Missy the check to show what a great guy he is, to disarm her into letting him tie her up and provide her with a juicy Cleveland Steamer while Buddy cries in the bus, and that in any event the check will have been void for years after Missy is once again divorced and wrinkled and some washed-up journalist working for a zine and sucking dicks in the name of providing for her poor Buddy.  

Oh, and to really close this up, I think we know she's going to try and deposit that check immediately and give it all to her new man only to find out Bad Blake had payment stopped immediately and already cashed the new check.  Men always win, your honor, they just do.