it’s possible that i’ve given this some thought

by Peter DeWolf

“Our legs are touching.  Our legs.  Touching.  The light from the screen illuminates your eyes.  Off and on.  Even in night scenes.  Maybe it dances in the eyes of other people there too.  But I doubt it.  Not like this.  Not nearly like this.  I try to pretend that I'm not staring.  Well I try to try.  My inner debate about timing and right moves and such horseshit resolves, and I gently take your hand.  I hear your breath catch.  I wonder if it is good or bad.  You squeeze my hand.  I smile.  I'm holding your hand.  This is your hand in mine.  The hair on my neck stands up.  I try not to twitch.  I feel guilty — well, almost — about all the months of work put in by writers and directors and set designers and actors and make-up people and… everyone.  I feel guilty because I don't have a clue about what is happening on that screen.  You do this thing…  Maybe on purpose.  I'm not sure.  You do this thing where you take your soft lower lip between your thumb and forefinger and give it the slightest little tug.  Then you let it go.  I am, without a doubt, completely transfixed.  I'm already thinking ahead to writing about this.  I am wondering how I am going to accurately explain the tangible feeling of being in your presence.  It's like your very essence is hugging me.  Excitedly.  I hope I explain it better than that later.  You lean in to me.  You whisper, ‘I like her… in that thing…'  I don't know who ‘her' is.  Or what ‘that thing' might be.  If your warm, sweet breath in my ear isn't enough to cause me to jump from my seat and drag you off to someplace more private…  I…  Here's the thing:  This is going to sound pervy, but your breast on my arm…  I know.  I know.  But the way it felt.  Come on.  I don't really know what to do with myself.  I lean in to your perfect ear.  I lean in and whisper.  ‘I like you.'  No sooner are the words out than an icy shock runs through my body.  That's what I decided to say?  Right now?  I AM COOLER THAN THIS.  Manly.  In control.  Sonofabitch.  You turn towards me.  Expressionless.  Gorgeous eyes staring at me.  Through me.  A smile forms.  THAT smile.  Sun shines on the screen.  Your eyes dwarf it.  You put your forehead against my shoulder.  You let out a little exhale.  I put my lips on the top of your head.  I kind of forget to kiss.  I just leave them there in delirious numbness.  You turn back towards the screen, but leave your head on my shoulder.  I snuggle in even closer to you.  ‘Don't you like her better in the thing?' you whisper.  ‘Yeah.  I fucking love her.'   Yeah…  I mean…  That's how I see it playing out.  What do you think?”