A Memo From The CEO

Over the last 30 days we have seen a radical decrease in our revenue stream. Our Q3 earnings fell dramatically short of what we had projected, and as a result the leadership team has had to look at some difficult cost-reducing measures. These include software roll-offs, facility relocation, and yes, a reduction in workforce.

I know what you're thinking: 

A reduction in workforce? What if I lose my job? How will I support the family? 

Well, let me put your mind at ease. It's not like that. Advances in technology have been made such that no one has to lose their job, at all. That's right. Not a single one of our employees will lose his or her job. This time,we're not mincing words. When I say, "a reduction in workforce," that's exactly what I mean.

We'll actually be testing some recent Department of Defense technology here on all of you. Through a breakthrough in technology, each individual employee will be reduced in physical size.  I'm not up on all the technical mumbo jumbo, but understand that by next week, each of you will be roughly 1 inch tall. That's right. And boy is that going to knock down our revenue projections for Q4!

A one-inch tall workforce means a drastic reduction in facilities costs. As a part of this cost-saving measure, we have procured a number of Corporate Growth Environments (CaGEs) into which we will be moving our entire base of operations.

These CaGEs are highly technologically advanced units, each housing three employees. They will come equipped with a commissary (filtered water on demand), a convenient exercise wheel, and for some reason or another, a toilet paper tube, that you may or may not wish to chew on... or crawl through. CaGEs will be connected on each side to other CaGEs via transparent skywalks. 

Although management has, as a group, chosen to retain their current stature. They will be able to view all activity within the CaGEs through the integrated wire mesh and transparent plastic walls. They will also be implementing the TREATS initiative, a system of Corporate Rewards based upon employee performance. 

Bear in mind that the reduction in the stature of each member of the workforce will be reflected in a size-commensurate pay scale. As your size is drastically reduced, so are your needs — you'll eat less, consume less; you'll drive around in PlaySchool cars. We are currently researching the possibility of an entire PlaySchool campus for our employees and their families, who will also be reduced, at only a small cost to you, the employee.

As we have in the past, we will ensure early and frequent communications as decision are finalized. Your ideas and suggestions are encouraged. Please email or see one of the leadership team.