Always nervous

by Marin Langenbach

I'm always nervous.

I've been a bartender for more than three years now, and every single time I'm cycling up there I'm making myself crazy that something will go wrong. That I might misinterpret an order, say something stupid or just make a fool out of myself.

Also, every single time I cycle back to my home I know everything went fine. I had a great time, we made a good revenue, we had some fun afterwards and it seemed all customers where very satisfied.

But I'm not a bartender.

I'm a computer science student. And I had the same feeling of nervousness when teaching my fellow junior students how to program software. I did it for two years, two times a week, and still every time I walked up there - so it can't be the cycling - I was nervous I would do it wrong. That someone would asked me to solve his programming bug, and that I wouldn't know what to do and make a fool out of myself.

Of course that rarely happened, and every time I was confused I would tell them to look it up in the book, Google it or ask a fellow student. Nothing wrong with that. But still I was nervous every time.

Also, every single time I walked back to my home - so it can't be the cycling back - I know everything went fine. I had a great time, I learned them some new things and tricks, we had some fun and it seemed all students liked me as a teacher.

But I didn't become a teacher.

I'm still deciding what to 'become'. I'm a part-time bartender, part-time teacher, part-time student, part-time poker player, part-time writer and a part-time-programmer. But of all those things, I like the things that make me nervous at first.

So why is it that I know I will be nervous the next time, knowing the last two hundred times it all went fine?

I think I just have to live with it: the feeling of not knowing what is going to happen exactly. It would make a boring life of course, so if I could choose I would prefer my current life and I'll take the nervousness for granted.

I'm always nervous, and I'm still not a writer too.