Good Girls, Bad Boys, and Porn

--Originally published in Popularity Contest

http://popularitycontest.wordpress.com/

We've all heard the stereotype of good girls wanting bad boys. It's been studied, ranted about, and capitalized on. Hell, Disney has built a kingdom off the Princess Who Lusts for Adventure and Falls for Rebel Guy with Supreme Confidence storyline. Perhaps it's some carnal instinct in these stereotypical girls to seek out adventure and excitement through the most convenient and prevalent gateway: the bad boy.

Girls are drawn to guys who make up their own rules, who are testosterone-fueled, hotheaded, and apathetic to common law and conventional wisdom. They want the guys who aren't afraid to get into a bar fight, the guys who'd stick up for them no matter what the circumstance. Maybe it's a bit biological. Perhaps these girls want to know their men have it in them to get into and survive physical combat, as it would indirectly translate into some desirable paternal trait.

But, dude, really? Do you know what kind of a psychopath gets into bar fights nowadays? Okay, maybe way back when, it was a cultural necessity for a guy to whip out his dueling sword or pistol at least once a week, but today, if a guy gets into bar fights, it usually means he's in dire need of tranquilizers, a criminal psychiatrist, and time to mellow out behind bars.

My thesis being: girls want bad boys in theory, not in reality (masochists are another story), similar to most guys and their porn. Most guys don't literally want to be tied up, humiliated, and schooled (some do, but whatever), nor do they want to have to pork some girl for hours on end, but they continue to watch and enjoy porn because they're participating in theory, not in reality.

Going back to the girls wanting a bad boy in theory. Take Sid Vicious. With a name like that, girls are bound to toss their panties and good taste out the window. Yeah, Sid Vicious seemed to be all-that with his vampire-like appearance, his I-don't-give-a-shit hair, and rock star status—attractive to girls in theory. He also sucked on bass, butchered a cover of My Way, walked around with a swastika on his shirt, cut himself on stage with a broken beer bottle, spat blood at the audience, and was probably one of the major strains that led to the Sex Pistols' dissolution. He also stabbed his girlfriend to death, did time in Bellevue Hospital and Rikers Island, and then killed himself at the age of twenty-two via OD—a super loser in reality. If at the end of that spiel you somehow still have the hots for a partner like that, then I'm falling back on my masochist theory, but I am certain that the majority of you do not want anything close to Sid Vicious realistically plaguing your relationship.

I know I don't, and I swear, if another one of my boyfriends commits check fraud on me or DUIs or gambles away his paychecks and then says he needs to borrow money from me to cover his rent, and then takes that cash to vacation in Vegas with his friends, and gets drunk and gang-bangs a hooker, and then comes home and screams at me that he's a good person because he could have concealed the truth but didn't one more time then I — am — going — to — snap. Because that's the reality I got when it was all but theory I was after.

So, maybe I'm slightly jaded because I've been burned one too many times by the realities of bad boys, but it's my hope, ladies, that the next time you find yourself or someone close to you attracted to a bad influence, you remember this key phrase: “porn is good in theory.”

There are obviously flaws in my theory—you're probably arguing that Sid Vicious was attracted to a bad girl—and someone is inevitably going to bring up sexism in one form or another (i.e. there are bad girls out there that corrupt good boys too), but let's save those for other Popularity Contest posts. In fact, I dare you to take it on.

I am fully aware that I am a far cry from a stereotypical “good girl,” and that most parents would not want their good boy bringing home a tattooed and pierced girl who says, “Nice to meet you. I'm a drummer, and a writer when I feel like it.”