Autumn
by Kari Banta
Early morning coke
Bottle. Did Katie call
Heiddegger "Skippy"?
Remember years back
When we studied so hard and
Ha ha, just kidding.
As you age, never
Forget you are dying no
Faster than before.
Bottle. Did Katie call
Heiddegger "Skippy"?
Remember years back
When we studied so hard and
Ha ha, just kidding.
As you age, never
Forget you are dying no
Faster than before.
interesting haiku form
from which springs flow
faster than prose
Why uncapitalize Coke and capitalize bottle? Reads funny.
Get rid of all the capitals?
Like first stanza best because it's more textured than the others.
Title pales compared to poem.
"As you age, never
Forget you are dying no
Faster than before."
vs.
"as you age, never
forget you are dying
no faster than before"
@Bill: It's a haiku, you can't separate the lines like that.
Good flow. Not too slow, not too choppy.
Thom:
"It's a haiku, you can't
separate the lines like that."
Yes. But sometimes the form spoils the poem.
The capitalization of the first character of a new line is part of the format. These are the three haiku from the Autumn part of the cycle.
Personally, I like the uncapitalized “coke” in the first line. It leaves open the possibility that “coke” is a drug, not the soda. I like the three of these together.