Thanksgiving Carnage

by Joey Delgado

The game is set, thirty pound gobbler at the center; brined, browned, and buttered to perfection. 

The players take their places around the table: Reagan's_Disciple and BraBurner38 sit at the head seats, eyeballing each other over a fizzing bottle of domestic brew and a gin martini, respectively. The other seats are filled by the following: AVClubKid, BabyMaker69, PerpetuallyHigh, PsychoSoccerMama, ThePeacekeeper, and DisorderlyConductor.

Everyone's polite at first, like always. The mashed potatoes are passed, gravy poured, candied yams complimented, stuffing fawned over.

“You've outdone yourself, BraBurner38,” says Reagan's_Disciple. 

“Thanks, RD,” says BraBurner38. “You always bring the best wine.”

“Turkey's huge this year,” says AVClubKid. “We're gonna need a bigger table.” His constant bastardization of famous movie quotes becomes less cute as the night wears on. 

“Do you think it's alright to give [insert name of BabyMaker69's spawn here] a mashed yam?,” asks BabyMaker69 to no one. The Peacekeeper nods politely to her in the affirmative. 

“I'm starvation central,” says PerpetuallyHigh.

“Join hands, everyone,” says PsychoSoccerMom.

Prayer always kicks off the bloodshed. 

“Dear Lord—

(DisorderlyConductor watches them close their eyes, bow their heads, and wonders who it will be this year.)

“Thank you for everything you do for us, for all the blessings you bestow upon us.”

(Will it be PsychoSoccerMama, whose defense of anti-vaccine crusaders last year left BabyMaker69 in tears and PerpetuallyHigh covered in pinot grigio.)

“Thanks for BabyMaker69's newest bun in the oven.”

(Will it be Reagan's_Disciple whose, “My daughter will never date a black man,” speech caused BraBurner38 to shatter a wine glass on the dining room table.)

“Thanks for bringing PerpetuallyHigh home from college, safe and sound and handsomer than ever.”

(DisorderlyConductor sees ThePeacemaker is watching him watch everyone else, mouthing the words, “Don't you dare,” across the table.)

“Thanks for helping AVClubKid's YouTube video get over three million hits.”

(ThePeacemaker is itching to take DisorderlyConductor down this year, so he has to act fast and get the ball rolling if things stay too polite for too long.)

“But most of all, thank you, Lord, for the bountiful table and our loving family.”

(DisorderlyConductor readies his ammo: contraceptive methods in sex ed curriculum for Reagan's_Disciple, equal pay for equal work to goad BraBurner38, controversies of a gluten free diet to get BabyMaker69 in a tizzy, the longterm effects of helicopter parenting to get PsychoSoccerMama on the ropes, stricter ratings standards for new film releases to help AVClubKid up on his soapbox, the marijuana as gateway standard to get PerpetuallyHigh defending Earth's greatest product, and for ThePeacemaker, a simple compliment, because really, DisorderlyConductor merely expedites the inevitable.)

“Amen,” says PsychoSoccerMama.

“Amen,” says everyone else.